I wanted to let you know that I have added a new page, Intuitive Parenting Articles, to my site to make it easier for you to access my past posts as well as still be able to comment on them.  Check it out when you get a chance!  I will continue to add to it and I also have some new content planned so check back often!

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At a time when people seem to be obsessed with experts, how do you become your own?  It takes time and focus but it can be done.  Depending on how much effort you put into it, it can even be life changing.

First, you need to know yourself and be honest with yourself.  Have you ever followed someone else’s advice that didn’t feel right but you pushed through it anyway?  You need to really FEEL your truth not just talk yourself into someone else’s.  That is one of the most common ways that I have seen people do something that they really knew wasn’t best for them.  They ignored their inner truth and thought that having a positive outlook would make everything all better.  Don’t fake it!  If you have ideals and goals that are important to you, don’t let anyone talk you out of them.

You need to be patient with yourself and check in with yourself often.  If you can be in the habit of constantly checking in with yourself you can make course corrections as you go along.  Have you ever had an experience where you realized you made a big mistake, corrected it and then realized that you had little signs along the way but you ignored them?  Correcting the little mistakes along the way is a lot easier than trying to fix a big one at a much later time.  Unfortunately, a big fix often results in people making that big mistake all over again because they don’t go back and do the work on themselves regarding the whys and hows of the little things they kept ignoring.

You need to take responsibility for yourself and not do only what feels good to you in the moment.  For some, doing what feels good in the moment means ignoring or running away from the problem.  People turn to un-parenting, divorce, quitting their job, keeping unsupportive friends, etc. often when what they really need to do is find a way to work on what got them there in the first place.  The urge to fix something is only too easy to satisfy.  You have heard “Wherever you go, there you are.”  Running away or pretending it doesn’t exist by shutting down is not going to fix anything.

You need to be open to being wrong.  Now this doesn’t mean you need to be self-deprecating by sharing every mistake you make with the world.  It just means allowing yourself to be imperfect.  You are allowed to change your mind!  Sometimes you can’t see the big picture yet.  When you start seeing where things are going you can make adjustments along the way.  Sometimes you need to feel your way into a new point of view.  Don’t pressure yourself into finding the perfect solution now.  It will most likely evolve.

The one thing I ALWAYS go back to when I talk to anyone about this topic, is to keep focusing, and refocusing, on what you want.  Sometimes that’s a moving target.  You may realize that what you thought you wanted isn’t really what you truly want on the way there.  It’s ok to change your mind and retune it.  Don’t force yourself to get there but do at least one thing every day that will help you keep you moving in that direction.

Becoming your own expert doesn’t happen overnight.  You can’t take a course and become certified.  You have to make the commitment to yourself to do it.  You need to become extremely self-aware.  I also want you to understand that in the process you will be slowly redefining your relationships, but if done authentically and patiently there is no reason that the shifts that take place can’t be positive ones.

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It just occurred to me that I forgot to inform all of you that, after much consideration, I decided not to present at the Life Rocks conference.  To better serve all of you I have been in the process of doing some site redesign.  I am planning on pulling out all of my most popular blogs for you and making them much easier to access through a new page that will be titled Articles.  Feel free to let me know which ones are your favorites so I can make sure they make it on there!  Thank you all for your ongoing support!  My site traffic is truly humbling and I appreciate each and every one of you :-)

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Since my No Guru Zone has been so popular I wanted to take it a step further and go a little deeper into the whole “expert” idea.  I find that experts tend to fall into three categories:  the self-proclaimed experts, the theoretical experts and the living experts.  And sometimes those categories do overlap and people will be a combination of them.

The self-proclaimed experts are the ones who design their own marketing plan by going as far as describing themselves as expert, pioneer, trailblazer, etc.  In reality, they have no expertise except about selling you something and they tend to be really good at it!  They may be selling goods, services, or selling how worthy they are of attention.  These are the ones that sell you a myth and can even go as far as lying.  They also can take other people’s works, repackage them and present the illusion that it’s as a new idea of their own without ever putting it into practice; although they claim they do.  The lie quickly becomes obvious because they can only offer you generalities and have no substance.  They sell you the dreams of ideals that are supposed to set you free.  The problem is, they are found out as soon as someone tries to follow their advice and it backfires leaving them worse off than they were to begin with.  The “experts” in this category pretend to live what they sell but the reality is that they don’t.  Their ultimate goal is not to help anyone but themselves.  If they do help someone, it's because the listener was aware enough to make interpretations they needed for themselves that helped them make a different decision than they normally would.

The second category, theoretical experts, usually have a much more pure agenda.  They are the ones who spend a great deal of time studying a subject so they can turn around and tell you all about their acquired knowledge.  These are the academics and academic minded-people that do a great job repackaging information they have gathered and who try to be careful about their sources.  They are able to take all of the knowledge they have researched and present it to you in understandable form.  The problem here is that they can’t tell you how to apply it in any real world way because they haven’t lived it themselves.  They can only tell you about about how others have done it.

The third category is the “living experts”.  They are the ones who have lived what they talk about.  They have “been there, done that” and are usually pretty open about the mistakes they have made and lessons they have learned.  They can give you the how and the why about whether or not certain things have worked for them based on their own experiences.  The best of this category can do this without any attachment to, or judgment of, what you do with that information.  Because of their real experiences, they tend to not see themselves as “experts”.

I could probably overthink all of this and get into the minutia of breaking them down into subcategories, but for simplicity’s sake, I like my three.  That said, I believe you can learn something from all of them.  The best advice I have ever heard, and often repeat, is to take what resonates with you and throw out the rest.  With all of this in mind, I try pretty hard to live up to the ideals of the third. 

What’s most important to remember though is that in order to empower yourself, you need to become your own expert.  No one knows you or, in the case of parenting, your kids, better than you!  My next blog will cover first steps of coming into your own power!

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_ I originally published this a year ago.  I wanted to pull it up and repost it since I have had so many new subscribers since then!  Enjoy!
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I want to be very clear to all of you about something.  I am not, or ever intend to be a self proclaimed or "ordained by society" parenting expert.  I am only here to write about my experiences in an effort to share what has worked and hasn’t worked for me.  If you can gain a different perspective or see an idea you’d like to try, then great!  If you completely disagree with anything I say or believe that nothing I share has any benefit to you other than the fact that you know you don’t want to do things the way I have, then that is just as perfect.  Either way I don’t feel like I am wasting my time here.  Everything I share is solely my opinion and my viewpoint and I am not here to seek validation.

So here’s for my opinion part:  I believe parenting is a process, just like any other relationship, but often more complex because we each have a unique perspective regarding who our children are, how they learn, what their personality traits are as well as what their strengths are.  I believe you betray your relationship with your child when you parent in a way that doesn’t feel completely right to you.  I’m not saying that you can’t try different things to see if they work for you but what I am talking about is adopting a parenting “method” that you feel coerced into or uncomfortable with for any reason.

I believe the most effective and quickest way of disconnecting from your kids can happen through adopting a new parenting style that is not grounded in the relationship you desire to have with your kids just because you read a book or took a seminar.  If it doesn’t feel right to you right now, don’t do it.  Also if you are considering a new parenting style, be sure you have conversations with people who have already tried it.  And I am not talking about those that have very young ones that have been doing it only for a few months.  Talk to as many people as you can to get the full picture from those that have done it for at least a few years.  These are the people that can tell you the pros and cons, what worked and what didn’t – not someone who decided that their way is the right way and who is interested in either self promoting or who wants others to do what they are doing because they need the validation.

Self-proclaimed or society-ordained “gurus” are probably the biggest offenders for undermining your parenting.  They most often give the worst kind of advice because many, at a certain point, start adopting a god-complex and act as if they have all of the answers for you.  Sometimes self-promoters don’t always have the healthiest intentions in doing what they do.  Don’t give your power away to them and let their opinions rule your life or make you feel guilty in any way.  Especially the ones that do go out of their way to make snide or passive aggressive comments about parents “like you” in order to manipulate you to feel like you are the one missing something. While you don’t always have to dismiss them completely don’t let their strict definitions constrict your life.  Take what may help you and ignore the rest.

I don’t believe in deciding what is right for other parents especially since parenting has a tendency to expose people’s vulnerabilities at times.  When parents feel unsure of themselves and vulnerable (and we all do at one time or another) they are more apt to be taken advantage of by unscrupulous people who need to feel that what they are doing is the right way, so they proselytize and gain followers.  (Isn’t that what cultists do?)  I refuse to do that or endorse anyone else who does.  I parent through being connected to my kids.  If you can find a way to do that through your own unique parenting style, which will most likely be different than mine in more ways than one, then you are on the right track.

Above all, I believe that you need to find your own style that works for you and your kids.  If you don’t feel right about certain aspects of your relationship with your kids, stop making things more complicated than they need to be by looking elsewhere for answers all the time.  You need to take responsibility.  I know for some parents, it’s more frightening to take responsibility than to run through a list of everything they “tried” and then be able to blame everyone else, or worse, their child, when none of those things worked.

Our kids are not from a different species than we are.  They are not pets and we don't need to pick up a book to learn more about them.  It is much more simple.  You need to remember what it was like to BE a kid, without projecting your own childhood “stuff” on them, and you need to always be focused on how much you love them.  If you try something and it doesn’t work don’t be bitter and hold onto blame.  You chose to do it and simply ignored your own reservations or didn’t get enough of the full story before you tried it.  Everything will have pros and cons for you and only you can determine what those are not matter how anyone else presents their viewpoint.  You have the power to find what works best for you!

_I had the feeling a lot of people need to hear this today!

Always know that no matter what life throws at you, people who love you know who you are.  You don't have to revisit the past or prevent something for the future.  Your only job is to not lose yourself.  The rest will work itself out!  Trust yourself to just BE!

Have a wonderful day!

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_I wanted to continue this discussion regarding doing it all with four children because I had someone post a comment on my Facebook profile that said that you should always put yourself first, BEFORE your kids.  Woah!  Really?  In order to let anyone who saw that know that I disagree with this wholeheartedly, I figured I'd post a blog about it. 

The question was how do I get in "me" time?  How did I write and publish a book that took a lot of learning, research and personal experimentation in a year?  How do I fit in time for my own friends and hobbies?  They all sound like legitimate questions, don't they?  But are they really?

The premise behind questions like these is that having more children automatically means that mom sacrifices her own interests because she no longer has time for them.  Now add homeschooling on top of that and "me time" sounds impossible.  For me, accepting these assumptions became unacceptable.  It took some time and experience to realize that believing that self sacrifice is just how it is would never work for me.  I am not happy expending ALL of my time and energy for others, including my kids, because I realized I was losing "me".  Sound familiar?

Once I changed my perception, the rest started falling into place.  I'm not saying that fitting in things I'd like to do hasn't been a challenge.  But I will say that the times when it feels most challenging is when I put high and unrealistic expectations on myself.  This is easy to do when I know I have the ability accomplish a lot.  I have come to accept that there isn't any hurry! 

First and foremost, personal fulfillment in the form of friends, hobbies, and my entrepreneurial activities are just as much of a priority as my kids' needs and interests.  I realized that I don't ever want to set an example for my kids where I was bored and somehow waiting for that someday to come so I could do what I really wanted.  I also don't want them to think that the opposite is ok either.  I will never put my own interests before my children.  I believe both set a really poor example for them.

Here are some things that have helped me along the way -

There are many hours in the day!  Pay close attention to how you are spending them.  For the things you feel you "have" to do, are you doing them as efficiently as you can?  Is there a lot of wasted time?  Is there a way to be more efficient in the planning of your errands?  For example, could you do errands together with a friend you haven't seen in a while and fit in lunch while you are out?

Are you watching a lot of tv?  Are you getting the same type of satisfaction or entertainment from too many of the same type of show?  Can you let one or two go?  Can you DVR them or watch them for free on the internet at a more convenient time?

Are you spending too much nonwork time at the computer?  Are you finding yourself randomly clicking on things without a true purpose and zoning out on it for longer than you really would want to?

Get excited!!  Make a list of everything you WANT to do!  You may surprised at how many things you will be willing to let go of or do more efficiently if you knew you would then have time for something more fulfilling!  Don't forget the intangible things!  This past year I focused on having more meaningful friendships with people I wasn't afraid to be a little vulnerable with.  (That was huge for me!)  But once I set that intention, and let go of the "how," the people that were not good for my well being exited my life and I had so many more good ones enter.  For the ones that stayed I was able to strengthen my relationships with.

If you want some inspiration, check out my annual blog Liberal Arts Living II.  I already have a list of things that I am working on for my next annual blog and it is so much fun!

_I am usually pretty shy about a certain part of my life because I know how judgmental people can be when they don't understand that psychic ability is in fact real.  Some people think that it means you are either omniscient and if you aren't, and no one is, you are full of baloney.  It doesn't work that way and I do have to tell you I am my own worst critic when it comes to it.  I have moments of blaming myself for not seeing something coming or misreading someone's character. 

The other day, I was going through some self doubt due to a very difficult situation I was dealing with with someone I had believed was a friend.  It was such an awkward situation that I was doubting my intuition was even working anymore.  In fact, this was the second time in only a few months that I completely and utterly misjudged the integrity of someone.  I know I am digressing from my usual theme but I have a "night in the life of me" story I wanted to share that relates to all of this.  It was a big lesson about paying attention to synchronicities.  This is just one of a few that happened on this particular night.

My husband and I decided to go out just a couple of nights ago to see some live music.  In fact it was my son's guitar teacher's band again.  After we go out that late, we usually stop into one particular diner for a bite to eat before heading home.  We decided to make this the plan for the night.

We walked into the music venue and the band was just about finished with their first set so we took a seat at the bar.  There was a stool empty and just enough room to fit in another next to it so my husband went over to a table and grabbed another one.  A couple of minutes later the people who were occupying the seats next to us came to sit down and I heard one of them mutter "Oh, he wasn't sitting anyway."  So I turned, half out of my stool, and asked if I took their seat.  The lady leaned over and told me I could have it since they kept getting up to dance. 

I ended up chatting with her for a while and it turns out that she is the same age is I am.  Coincidence number one.  She has kids between the ages of five and fourteen, like I do.  Coincidence number two.  Then she went on to tell me that she works at the diner we like to go to after our late nights out.  And there's coincidence number three!  When things start to align like that I tend to really listen to the conversation I have with someone.  I have found that there is always something I need to learn.

My husband was leaning over listening to the conversation and piped in when she said where she worked.  He gave me a look, smirked and mentioned a particular server that I had a really strong intuitive hit with the last time we saw him.  He was friendly, clean cut, happy and really good at his job.  There was no indication that there was anything off about him and yet, as he walked away from the table, I told my husband that I didn't feel good about him at all.  In fact, it scared me a little.  Of course my husband asked what I meant.  For me, those kind of hits are sometimes really hard to put into words but I said that if he didn't have this job he'd lose it and I didn't mean literally lose his job either.  I went into more detail than that but I don't feel comfortable sharing it here.  That particular night I had had a couple of drinks so my filters were off and my husband heard detail that I normally wouldn't even be open to.  I also don't make a habit of running around "reading" people.  That's just too exhausting, way too much information for me and just plain rude.

So what was this woman's answer about the guy? 

Her next comments not only proved to me that there's nothing wrong with my psychic antennae but were exactly what I needed to hear to quell any self doubt I was having.  She said they had to fire him.  He started sneaking in the bathroom during work hours to do drugs.  He would come out and could barely speak or stand.  They really wanted to give him a chance so they actually rehired him a few times but he ended up doing the same thing.  As for the rest of my "read" on him, I really hope someone diverted him from the path I saw him on at the time.

The synchronistic events of the night, I don't believe, were any accident.  I got exactly the validation I needed to let me know that I'm as spot on as ever.  It allowed me to let go of feeling responsible for not forseeing someone who I had cared about doing something that was completely against the type of integrity that I hold dear.  I also wanted to share my experience with you as an important reminder to pay attention to events like that.  Notice when details line up that are just a little too coincidental.  They are most likely there to get your attention!

_I have been doing some site redesign and recategorization of my blogs to make it easier for you to access some the older ones a little more efficiently.  In the meantime, I wanted to start reposting some of my older blogs that I thought you may enjoy.  This post was one of my first from, March 12, 2010.  I thought would be a great one to share with you today!
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Have you ever had an ongoing issue with your child that you were having a hard time figuring out?  Have you asked people’s opinions regarding your issue and none of their suggestions feel right?  Have you spent time searching for information through books and other resources for ideas and even tried some of what was suggested and it still didn’t solve your problem?  I have a feeling almost everyone can say yes to at least one of these questions.  Have you considered that the reason you are not getting the answer that works for you is because you are looking for it outside of yourself?

The first thing you need to realize that you already know the answer to any of the challenges you are having with your child.  You are the expert when it comes to your child. You just need to learn to get out of your own way.  We tend to rely on experts with credentials way too much.  While the experts can help you, make you see things from different perspectives and even offer solutions that may work, only you know if any of them is worth giving a try.  Experts should never be overly relied on because you can end up ignoring your own intuition and when you do that, you risk losing your connection with your child.  You let yourself become the parent that others give you the advice to be and not the parent you know your kids already need.  Many of you will say “I don’t know what kind of parent my child needs right now.”  I believe feeling that way only comes from fear.  What you need to do at that point is to reconnect with your own voice and your own inner wisdom.

I found that the best and quickest way to reconnect with your inner wisdom is to take a few moments to write down questions you would ask an “expert” about the issue.  Write your question down as completely as you can, read it to yourself, then think how you would answer the question as if someone else were asking you.  Don’t filter what your response would be out of fear.  Your only filter should be that of love.  If your child is being particularly difficult, which may make this exercise harder for you, try closing your eyes and picturing a memory you have of when your child was very young, where you were having a great time, laughing and having fun.  Then open your eyes and re-read your question.  You may not get the entire solution at one sitting and that’s ok.  You should at least have an idea of what to do just for today.  The answers you give yourself may surprise you.

___I happened to come across this blog post from a friend on Facebook the other day.  Although it's much longer than posts I usually read, it resonated with me and my own evolution when it came to my kids' television viewing.  I'll let what Vanessa wrote speak for itself!  Enjoy!

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Januray 13, 2012

It's peanut butter jelly time!

My circles run pretty crunchy these days so it has been a somewhat lonely adventure, this tv thing. In fact I think I may know more people that do not own a tv than do. But I think many of my friends are curious, so I figured I'd share our experience with television.

I could write a pretty decent essay with awesome references to scientific studies. I went to school for that. I loved it! But there is no study being done on a family like mine, and even if there were, there are so many components to real life that just can't be accounted for. I'm slowly losing my faith in statistics. It's so crushing for a gal like me to realize the world does not fit into neat and tidy boxes.  So I'm gonna just share my own personal journey.

I grew up religious and worried about guarding my heart and senses from worldly material, not because my mom forbid it but because my religion did. I outgrew that but nevertheless I also grew up not watching much tv or listening to music. I'd suck at trivial pursuit unless it was a Bible question. I miss all the references to Saved by the Bell. But given the option to have a tv I could care less if we didn't own one. As a teen my parents even put one in my room. All access any time. I rarely watched it. Once I moved out with my cousin we had two channels. I never missed it. So that's my background. I could easily take it or leave it. Actually I grew to love a quiet house and would prefer to leave it. If I were the only person in the house to contend with that is.

So when I married my husband. . .

Now, Nate, he LOVES tv. He told me once he'd rather eat rocks than cancel our cable. He was for real. So trying to protect my childred from the evils of television proved to be futile. And then I realized it wasn't so evil. I even wrote about it two years ago here. But gosh darn, doesn't a good parent at least restrict things their kids aren't mature enough for?

And so for a few years I did have some limits. Nothing racy (only little kids stuff) and not too much a day. I was quick to blame the tv for bad behavior and frustrated at the thought my kid might prefer tv to that wonderful outdoor play. But it was around, and it wasn't completely corrupting my child.

And then came my venture into unschooling. Radical unschooling at that. And I figured it was time for an adventure. Eventually I lifted all restrictions on tv time. My four year old could watch whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Clarification: whenever Nate wasn't watching. And then, since Nate watches hours and hours of football on Sunday, I found a $10 tv on craigslist to put in his room so he could watch dvds of his favorite shows instead.

And I was worried. And a bit embarrassed when a friend might see that second tv in a child's bedroom. Scared I may be encouraging laziness and consumerism.

And for months we watched hours and hours of tv. We learned about super heroes. We watched every super hero show on cartoon network and the hub. I dvr'd things I thought he might like. I bought him books, costumes, and toys about super heroes. I played super hero games with him. And I sat next to him as we watched even more tv.

And then one day, as I listed the shows available, he became bored with tv. The next day it wasn't even turned on. The next day either. And we went outside per his request and played. Twice. Then finally it rained and we turned it on and he asked to watch Dino Dan instead. And after Dino Dan he wanted to play more. And play and play and play.  And the next day, no tv again and just more requests to play. And our tv binge was finally over.

I don't think tv is done forever. We've learned that tv is fun, interesting, and incredibly inspirational. It's an awesome resource. I'm sure there will be another subject that we discover and I'll fill our DVR and Netflix que with tons more stuff. But for now he's full. He's satiated. Despite what others might think, a four year old is actually capable of "regulating" himself. Even during our highest tv watching days, there was still plenty of playing and doing, whether in front of the tv or not. When he's done, he doesn't take another bite.

So here are some myths and fears this experiement dispelled for me:

1. Children will only regurgitate shows in their play.

Maybe they will if they are limited to very few shows or movies. Children process through play. Sometimes a theme will show up that Vinny saw but it almost always morphes into his own scene. Transformers pair up with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and GI Joes go to birthday parties and bad guys are frequently rehabilitated, often promising to not to do bad things anymore so they can be "friends."

2. It turns my child a zombie.

It may seem that way, if they are really focused or maybe tired but that's not a bad thing. When Vinny is captivated, it's because he is really interested. Occasionally he zones out but he's a pretty intense guy emotionally. He needs lots of downtime away from people and this is a pretty sweet situation where he can be mellow and still learn a bunch. Though he gets plenty of opportunities to sleep and relax so zoning out is rare.

3. It makes them violent.

On the contrary. Shows like Batman and GI Joes has not only introduced us to weapons but have provided ample material for conversations on ethics and appropriate situations and ways to use weapons both real and pretend. My son knows to always get an adult if he ever sees a gun and how to wield a foam sword without hitting anyone in the face.

4. It turns them into buyers.

When Vinny discovered commercials, he did want every single toy. And I even bought a few things that he requested. Even the crappy stuff. He quickly picked up that the ads often were different than real deal. He became a savvy consumer, recognizing a "cheap" item from one with better play value. He also learned to trust his mama's advice when I say, "that's a toy that will probably break or get boring quickly."  And there has been a few times, I've been proven wrong. That a cheap crappy toy turns out to be totally worth buying because it's so fun! Did I mention he's also taught himself to fast forward through the commercials?

5. It causes naughty behavior.

I loved blaming bad behavior on tv. In hindsight it wasn't the tv. If Vinny acts up it's usually because he's tired or restless. As a growing boy he loves physicality above all else. If I don't find ways to incorporate than into rainy days home, he will. Sometimes his way of "excercising" involves couch jumping, or fighting his brother. A detour to jump together on our little indoor trampoline or a dance party are ALWAYs accepted. There is a good reason why. And it's not the tv's fault. If he were reading or painting or driving around in a carseat for hours a day, he'd still need to move. And as a kid who sometimes would forget to eat if he gets caught up in his playing, that's where my job as a mom kicks in. To take from his cues and help him meet his needs.

6. It's a bad influence.

My kids do pick up on slang and learn quite a bit about things I haven't introduced. For the most part it's things we don't often see in daily life, like surfing or tumble weeds. Sometimes I'll hear a word like "stupid" get tested. Why am I not worried about this? Because as his best source of reliable information he trusts me over the tv. I really am his biggest influence in life.

And when I'm no longer, I trust that he'll have a good foundation of having made plenty of choices with support. If I see something questionable arise either on screen or in person we discuss it. In the simplest terms I can. And if it's something gets too dark or racy, I'll tell him that it's meant for grown ups or teenagers or may be inappropriate for his age. He already knows that he doesn't like scary things or shows that get too emotional and has yet to protest. And if he did, I'd make sure to stay close and watch him watching. Keep a eye on what he's taking in. Does it seem like it's confusing him? Bothering him? And then we'd most likely find out in play.

7. It reduces creativity.

This one kills me. Anyone who knows Vinny or has read this blog can see that couldn't be farther from the truth. If anything it has promoted it.


I've already written a saga here but the next few bullets are imperative. My guidelines so to speak. Here is why I think our experiment was so successful. Enough to hand the remote over again.

1. We use common sense.

Vinny had free reign to choose shows but having some life experience I would disclose if I thought something might be too scary. He's quite sensitive to emotional stuff. Climaxes in movies are the worst. Toy Story 3 was quite the cry fest and he put a stop to movies for a solid year after. Even now I will encourage him to  try a movie I think he'll love and pause or turn it at any time. So I would not tune into Friday the 13th and expect all to be well. I  don't use the tv free zone to watch whatever I want. Housewives of Beverly Hills doesn't get turned on until after bedtime. I also have noticed he likes some of the older shows because they are less realistic (Adam West Batman anyone?), so I've helped him find some of those on dvds.

2.  I watch with him.

Not every single show every time, but I am familiar with his shows and make a huge effort to watch shows he watches for the first time, as well as check in regularly so I know what's going on. If an idea enters our play, I like knowing where it might be coming from. But more importantly I use tv to connect with him. A thing we do with each other vs something I use to get things done. And I've found I genuinely enjoy many of his shows.  In fact I'd go as far as saying it has given our whole family new ways to make connections with each other. Turns out Vinny loves 80's cartoons, the very same ones Nate did!

3. I actively create a rich home environment.

There are beaucoups of things to do here. From toys to crafts there is no shortage of possibilities. Not only does having a lot of toys and craft supplies make for impromptu nunchuck making, but also allows us to jump right into some rich play experience.

4. I'm aware of my own baggage with tv and keep it my own.

Like I shared before, I have my own story. I want Vinny to create his and to do it in a healthier way. I have a lot of influence and my disapproving attitude could have easily manifiested into something negative between him and I.

I love this quote:

As a child I was taught that fashion and all it entails was "wordly" and that Barbie stuff promoted low self esteem. Baloney! What promoted low self esteem was being told my interests weren't worthy.- Ren Allen

I really think this quote gets to the heart of what parents get wrong. My mom was always a super supportive lady but her subtle comments on a shirt she thought was too flashy because it had too many colors really impacted my future decisions. I don't think it was a coincidence that I spent many years in early adulthood buying monochromatic jackets and sweaters. Maybe I was just too sensitive but I'm taking that experiece to mean, my lack of trust, even in minor things, is a really big deal. And TV is no exception.

5. We stay home a lot.

My kids are little and need lots of downtime. Time to play and time to pursue interests. Time to be bored and time to veg. If we are going from activity to activity, they'd have to prioritize and it's possible that tv or video games would bump outdoor play or dramatic play down. I don't know how much that would matter but I do know right now we have plenty of time to do all of their favorite things. Perhaps when they are older they will choose to do these things and the balance will shift. And school would probably take away quite a bit of that precious time. But I'm getting way ahead of myself. . . Right now we ample of time to play, socialize and you guessed it, watch tv.

So in conclusion, I didn't start off as a tv person and even advocated to be a tv free family. But it never felt right, trying to take away something my child and husband loved. And I went with it. It has really worked out for us. And I don't think it would be so unique to my family. I'm not encouraging others to drop all limits but I do hope if tv is something rationed and controlled by the grown ups to at least think about why that is. I'm not saying that what worked for us would work for others or whether all my bullet points would transfer the same, but I am saying that it's something worth thinking about if you are talking to others about those "myths" as facts, especially without your own experiment. I certainly expected to be proven right and I turned out to be completely wrong.

I really do feel that patience, a lot of involvement and trust has paid off in a big way for my family. I think if I had been more controlling about tv I would have missed a major opportunity to get to know and connect with Vinny. And while there are plenty of other things to connect over, tv is one that has really counted.

Here are some excellent pro tv articles that inspired me to take the plunge:

This one is my all time favorite and has been super true for us

http://sandradodd.com/t/economics

This one is a plethora of fun tv thoughts

http://sandradodd.com/tv

And this one hits the core of the matter. The connection with out children.

http://sandradodd.com/t/sharing

Joyce's site is similar to Sandra Dodd's but with a different flavor, all her tv stuff is on the left.

http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/influencing%20kid%20behavior/tv%20and%20video%20games/argumentsagainsttv.html

This one is a bit off topic, touching on book worship but same general vicinity:

http://www.jennifermcgrail.com/category/unschooling/

This one is another book one for shits and giggles, (for the record I LOVE books! Just ask Nate):

http://www.theonion.com/articles/books-dont-take-you-anywhere,827/

And here are a few books on the top of my to be read pile, no review except it proves there are two sides to every argument with tons of scientific references:

http://www.amazon.com/Everything-Bad-Good-You-Actually/dp/1573223077/ref=wl_it_dp_o_npd?ie=UTF8&coliid=IFQ26ZFHT6YGW&colid=24RAKP04BM9EP

http://www.amazon.com/Killing-Monsters-Children-Make-Believe-Violence/dp/0465036961/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1326426495&sr=1-1


Vanessa is mom to four year old Vinny and 2 year old Rocky. She lives with her husband Nate outside of Boston in a magical yellow house. Since they made the decision to skip preschool she documents the time they spend learning through play so on her blog http://bonboneater.typepad.com/bon_bon_eater/