At a time when people seem to be obsessed with experts, how do you become your own?  It takes time and focus but it can be done.  Depending on how much effort you put into it, it can even be life changing.

First, you need to know yourself and be honest with yourself.  Have you ever followed someone else’s advice that didn’t feel right but you pushed through it anyway?  You need to really FEEL your truth not just talk yourself into someone else’s.  That is one of the most common ways that I have seen people do something that they really knew wasn’t best for them.  They ignored their inner truth and thought that having a positive outlook would make everything all better.  Don’t fake it!  If you have ideals and goals that are important to you, don’t let anyone talk you out of them.

You need to be patient with yourself and check in with yourself often.  If you can be in the habit of constantly checking in with yourself you can make course corrections as you go along.  Have you ever had an experience where you realized you made a big mistake, corrected it and then realized that you had little signs along the way but you ignored them?  Correcting the little mistakes along the way is a lot easier than trying to fix a big one at a much later time.  Unfortunately, a big fix often results in people making that big mistake all over again because they don’t go back and do the work on themselves regarding the whys and hows of the little things they kept ignoring.

You need to take responsibility for yourself and not do only what feels good to you in the moment.  For some, doing what feels good in the moment means ignoring or running away from the problem.  People turn to un-parenting, divorce, quitting their job, keeping unsupportive friends, etc. often when what they really need to do is find a way to work on what got them there in the first place.  The urge to fix something is only too easy to satisfy.  You have heard “Wherever you go, there you are.”  Running away or pretending it doesn’t exist by shutting down is not going to fix anything.

You need to be open to being wrong.  Now this doesn’t mean you need to be self-deprecating by sharing every mistake you make with the world.  It just means allowing yourself to be imperfect.  You are allowed to change your mind!  Sometimes you can’t see the big picture yet.  When you start seeing where things are going you can make adjustments along the way.  Sometimes you need to feel your way into a new point of view.  Don’t pressure yourself into finding the perfect solution now.  It will most likely evolve.

The one thing I ALWAYS go back to when I talk to anyone about this topic, is to keep focusing, and refocusing, on what you want.  Sometimes that’s a moving target.  You may realize that what you thought you wanted isn’t really what you truly want on the way there.  It’s ok to change your mind and retune it.  Don’t force yourself to get there but do at least one thing every day that will help you keep you moving in that direction.

Becoming your own expert doesn’t happen overnight.  You can’t take a course and become certified.  You have to make the commitment to yourself to do it.  You need to become extremely self-aware.  I also want you to understand that in the process you will be slowly redefining your relationships, but if done authentically and patiently there is no reason that the shifts that take place can’t be positive ones.

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I’m not a classical homeschooler because…

I have tried math curriculums that were continuous repetition, year after year, of the same sort of material in the most removed from life way possible.

I tried a phonics & reading homeschool co-op with my 2nd born, and it was no different than school where he didn’t get much individualized attention, even though there were only a handful of kids, so I pulled him from it even though I had already paid.

I purchased a science curriculum and saw how disjointed it was in teaching units as if “science” disciplines were all separate, so I returned it.

I purchased a history curriculum and had to filter out propaganda and fill in missing details which meant I had to redo the lessons the night before I started.

I wanted to have time to teach them basic life skills that all of the above would have prevented me from doing if I strictly followed the classical approach.

I wanted to be able to allow them as much time as they need to pursue their own interests and develop their own strengths and no curriculum is the perfect fit for that.

I could go on with how I discovered this wasn't a good fit for us but I completely support you if that is what you feel is best for your family.

I’m not an un-parenting unschooler because…

I don’t think it’s up to them if they brush their teeth or not.

I learned as much as I can about food and health that I don’t think it’s ok for them to eat as much junk as they want.  I teach them about what’s in their food and where it comes from, purchase only the best and say “No” at the checkout when they ask for candy… usually.

I know how much sleep each of them requires to feel good and be healthy.   I know which ones won’t sleep in to compensate no matter how late they go to bed.  I know that my oldest takes after my husband and I and can easily stay up all night, losing track of time, and will miss on out the things he wants to do.  I refuse to set him up for the harsh, “tough love” life lesson of letting him miss out. 

I choose to teach each of them about things like history, religions of the world, science, literature, how to manage money, and much, much more using whatever sources I need, in a way that each of them can get excited about and in a way that each of them can understand at each of their own development levels and learning styles.

I choose to expose them to things that they may not necessarily choose for themselves because they are too young to know anything about it and most often they really enjoy the new experiences or learning that resulted.

These are at least some of my reasons why un-parenting unschooling doesn’t work for us, but I completely support you if that is what you feel is best for your family.  I believe following what's best for you is part of your own unique process.

So what am I?  I am a mom that chose to give our kids the kind of life and the kind of learning opportunities I feel they deserve; all of which fits their personalities, development levels and learning styles.  No one loves them or wants the best for them more than my husband and I do.  I choose to not follow anyone’s prepackaged plan for raising our children.  One size will never fit all and I am grateful to live in a country where that is possible.

    Intuitive parenting isn’t a method or style of parenting where I can give an outline or clear definition of “Here’s what you do…” and then you go do it.  Instead, it is parenting in partnership with your child according to your child’s unique personality.  It is based upon being connected to your child not only through your relationship with them but also through keeping tuned in to who they are as individuals.  It encompasses their likes, dislikes, learning styles, and subtle nuances of who they are that only you can know.

     A large part of being an intuitive parent also takes into account your OWN personality as a parent.  You not only need to know your children but you just as importantly need to know yourself and be tuned in to your own feelings.  If you learn how to do that, you can more easily discern how much of your parenting is pre-programmed through fear or unresolved issues from your own life and how much of how you parent is truly in the best interest of your child.  For example, if you know what your fears are then you can rationally process them.  If you are unaware of them, you can more easily fall into thinking that someone besides you has all of your parenting answers.

     Intuitive parenting is different in that it takes parenting to a level that doesn’t fall under some preset guidelines or rules.  It is constantly self-directed by your own intentions and focus.  It’s never too late to start either!  Even if up until now you have followed more of a detached parenting style, you still know more about your child than anyone else does.  Pick up from what you know right now.  It doesn’t matter if you didn’t breastfeed, co-sleep or have an immediate attachment to your baby or if you followed or didn't follow Attachment Parenting or similar methods.  What matters is your desire to be more connected in your relationship starting today.



 

Photo by Eddie~S


With all of the much needed attention to school bullying, there are a lot of people stepping forward to tell their stories.  So in the spirit of the movement, I will tell you mine.  I too was bullied, but not in the way that you probably assume.

Jr. High for me was tough, as it is for a lot of kids.  I was picked on a bit.  My supposed best friend would ignore me in the hallways as if she was too embarrassed to let anyone know she was friends with me, but would want to hang out with me on the weekends.  And even though I was picked on, it was nothing in comparison to what I had been experiencing at home.  By the time I was 13, I had experienced intense bullying not from my peers, but from people that were supposed to be family.

For me, it started when I was very little.  My older sister was my first tormentor.  She would rip all of the heads, arms and legs off of my dolls and throw them all over the yard.  You could argue that it's just normal sibling stuff but it didn't stop with my dolls.  At her worst, my sister would torment me to tears.  Her favorite thing to do to me was take a big handful of spit and wipe it all over my face.  She thought it was hilarious that it made me gag and would laugh relentlessly about it.

Unfortunately my being bullied didn't stop there.  Instead, it got exponentially worse.  Only a few short months after my dad was granted custody of us, when I was only 7, his new wife was my new tormentor.  It started with her belittling my own mother and making us believe my mother was mentally ill to the point where we were afraid to even mention her name.  Then she transferred her anger issues directly to each of us kids.  She would verbally rip us apart, call us names and eventually made us truly believe there was something wrong with us.  That we were unlovable.  She made us feel like we didn't deserve to be alive.  Every single day I would dread getting on the school bus to come home.  Every single night at the dinner table was a lecture session that usually ended up with her yelling at us.  I would dread Saturdays even more because all I had to look forward to was an entire day of abuse.

The abusiveness wasn't just verbal and mental, but often physical as well.  There were many days throughout elementary school and junior high where I couldn't brush my hair because my scalp burned so badly.   She would use my hair to pull me around the room so she could hit me.  And somehow she knew how to inflict just enough pain to usually never leave a mark on exposed skin.  But I will tell you, there were days that I had bruises on my upper arms and back that matched the outlines of her fingers.  Ironically, I was seeing the school counselor, along with my other peers who had just had parents that divorced, but the abuse was never discovered.  I was too afraid to talk about it and the counselor never even asked.

The last time she laid a hand on me was just before my father died.  I was 17 and I woke up to her fists pounding on me at 2 a.m.  She then threw me as hard as she could against the wall next to the bed.  My shoulder hasn't been the same since.  The next several years the outward abuse turned into sociopathic abuse.  It was so bad that my coworkers at the preschool she owned told me that I really needed to get away from her because of the lies that she was telling about me were so bad.  They were too embarrassed for me to even tell me what they were.

I finally got away from the abuse and have a life that is completely 180 degrees from that life of negativity, shame and pain.  I hope my story will make someone think about a situation close enough to intervene before it turns tragic.  In my case, I am happy to say there was no tragedy.  But I will tell you that the screaming and crying coming from my house as a kid was so loud you could hear it 3 to 4 houses down the road.  In my average, normal suburban neighborhood, not ONE of my neighbors ever called the police!

I tell you about this not to make anyone feel sorry for me.  I tell you this to point out that after surviving all of that, when I look at the school bullying situation, I can't help but think that these kids that are inflicting pain on others had to have learned it somewhere.  In my case, it just isn't in my personality to take any of what was done to me and inflict that on someone else.  What about these bullies though?  Even if they weren't bullied themselves at home in one way or another, where else are they picking up the nastiness from?  Are they picking it up from seeing their parents, friends or relatives bully others?  It is obvious that in each of the tragic cases that have been in the news lately, the behaviors of these kids have gone completely unchecked.  Where were these kids' parents?  I don't believe there is any excuse good enough for these cases to have escalated to the points they did.  The schools can only do so much.  It's the parents that need to be held accountable, along with their kids.