There are some blogs that I really take my time working out in my head before I even attempt writing them down.  I know having an audience of parents is sometimes a touchy thing but thankfully I seem to have done a good job at it since I haven’t received even one piece of hate mail.  I hope I can convey my thoughts so that no one gets defensive on this one either.  I want to talk about manners! 

For me the topic of manners encompasses so much.  In fact, I think it’ll cover a few topics that you all have requested I write about.  Manners are how we relate to one another.  They are expected, and sometimes unexpected, social graces that help us interact with others without being offensive. Sometimes they are just followed because they are social etiquette or local customs.  Other times we go over the top with our etiquette because we either want to impress someone or we really want to let someone know how much we truly appreciate them.

There was a blog that circulated a few months ago where the title was about not making their kids say please and thank you.  Admittedly I never read it nor do I remember the correct title but it definitely made me think how I wanted approach the topic since I had been asked to do so.

Not too long ago, I had a family over for a holiday dinner.  I spent a considerable amount of time, effort and more money than I should have preparing the meal for the day.  It was originally planned that we would cook together.  Instead I was given very short notice that they would show up way too late to help with anything.  Some of what I made wasn’t even touched.  The husband was sitting on the couch most of the visit, yawning and avoiding conversation, clearly looking like he would rather have been home.  While it was great to have the company, I would have wished that they had the manners to have cancelled on us if they weren’t feeling up to coming.  I have friends that would have LOVED to have been here in their place.  I felt no gratitude coming from them for all the work I had done to make the day special.  Admittedly, I didn’t notice it the day of but it kind of sank in the next day when I felt more depleted than I should have because the exchange of energy wasn’t even.

So what did this teach their kids?  This goes way beyond saying please and thank you, doesn’t it?  It demonstrated to them that if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to appreciate what someone else does for you.  It demonstrates self-absorption.  Don’t get me wrong though.  I am really glad I gave my all to the day.  I truly believe no act of kindness is wasted even when it’s not noticed or appreciated.  My own family appreciated it so that was good enough for me.

To give you another example, it recently came to my attention that one of the friends that had recently gone down a path that was not healthy for me to follow them on was complaining that I wasn’t supporting them anymore.  While it was kind of nice that they did notice how much support I did have for them, and still do actually even if it’s from a healthier distance, it made me realize that I never had one bit of support for anything I did come from them.

Both of these examples demonstrate how manners come from gratitude.  If you live in gratitude for others around you, you make the effort to let them know.  You don’t do it for show in front of others but more meaningfully.  You support people you care about.  You don’t just take what others have to give without wanting to do so back.  Sometimes people just aren’t yet capable of thinking of others without getting some sort of direct benefit from it; even if it’s only to get approval.  They haven’t learned the gift of gratitude.  It’s not only a gift to others but it is a gift to yourself as well.

As for setting the right example of gratitude for my kids, I encourage my kids to say "Please" and "Thank You" because it makes them stop and appreciate the other person.  It’s not so much as a puppetry as it is a habit I want them to get into.  I want them to be in the habit of stopping… and noticing!  I believe it helps them redirect their energy to the other person and not in the receiving for their own benefit.  It helps them be in the habit of not being self absorbed all the time.  I really believe this simple act can be a seed to discipline.  Aren’t many issues with discipline really because your child doesn’t understand the full picture of what’s going on including the needs and desires of the people around them?  Beyond "Please" and "Thank You", I am in the habit of pointing out to my kids whenever someone does something sincerely thoughtful.  They also see me practice gratitude when I let someone know how much I appreciate them.

Recently I learned that practicing gratitude rewires neural pathways that lead to more happiness.  I have seen this happen myself.  When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I had just gone through personal hell.  Both of my parents had died, the rest of my family was squabbling over money, I finally understood how much abuse I had just endured and realized I was worthy of love that I never received… it was a lot to take.  It was really difficult to process it and have very much gratitude at the time. 

When things started going well for me in the midst of all of this, I failed to recognize it right away.  My first job out of college got me a much higher salary than was average at the time.  I received a glowing two-page recommendation from my boss when we needed to relocate due to my husband’s job and I had only been working there for six months.  We were relocating to Florida – a New Englander’s dream!  I didn’t have the ability at the time to appreciate any of it very much.  It has taken me a while of trial and error to find the truth about gratitude and happiness all on my own.  Now I swear I come across as either stupid or Pollyanna because of my gratitude and optimism!  It doesn’t matter to me though because I AM happy.

The point of all of this is to maybe rethink how manners are more than just saying words for your kids.  By living in gratitude as well as giving them tools to get them on that path, your kids have more of a direct link to being happy than you probably ever imagined.

A lot of you have asked what we have been up to and have had a bunch of homeschooling questions.  I will have to get to answering them another day. 

Today, I wanted to keep it simple.  A friend of mine posted this on Facebook and I thought it was a perfect thing to share.

Here is my wish for all of you this year...
(And if any of you can find who originally wrote this, do let me know!)

"Surround yourself with people who make you happy.  People who make you laugh, who help you when you're in need.  People who would never take advantage of you.  People who genuinely care.  They are the ones worth keeping in your life.  Everyone else is just passing through."

If you can do what it says above then your contentment will radiate and make you one of those people described above. 
You in turn will make others happy. 
You will then never take advantage of others; even inadvertently. 
You will then be someone who genuinely cares.

.... And all of this will happen not because it was contrived but because that is who you are and how you live.

I know people love to say treat others as you want to be treated but sometimes that really doesn't work.  That has been a tough lesson for me to learn.  If you get stuck knowing you didn't deserve to be treated a certain way because you treated someone else better, then you are owning someone else's issue.  You make yourself a victim. 

What I have learned is that if you are truly happy then people who don't treat you well turn out to be nothing more than a blip on the radar.  Even if they upset you, it's momentary.  Your default will be to be happy :-)  It all starts with gratitude for the people that do make your life richer through their presence.  Being aware of them and thankful for them is where it all starts.

I wish you all a safe and Happy New Year!!

I posted this one on 10/28/2010 realizing people need to know that what they do and who they are matters.  Let's spread the gratitude this season by creating a new grassroots, really meaningful tradition!!  Pass it on!!
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With Halloween almost here and Thanksgiving right around the corner, I have felt myself shift focus toward the next holiday a lot sooner than usual.  I really want to make Thanksgiving extra special this year.  I had an idea a couple of years ago on just how to do that but I haven't gotten around to it yet.  I think this year is the year!

Several months ago I reconnected with someone from high school.  We had lost touch in college and I had always wondered how she was doing.  Last I had seen her was when my father was battling Leukemia; during the last half of my high school years.  While it was very tough on me, I found that many of my friends didn't know what to say.  In hindsight, I can understand that they just didn't know how to handle it and, frankly, how many teenagers would.  This one friend though, always knew when all I needed was a hug.  After reconnecting with her a few months ago, I was so happy to be able to tell her just how much her friendship had meant to me all those years ago.

After seeing how much she appreciated hearing that, I realized the idea I had a couple of years ago was something I needed to do.  People really need to hear meaningful words of encouragement more often.  They need to know that who they are makes a positive difference in someone's life.

Starting in the next couple of weeks I am going to start writing what I am calling my Thanksgiving Letters.  I am going to sit down and make a list of all of the people that have made a positive impact on my life in some way and take the time to write them a note to tell them that.  I plan on making this a yearly tradition and, hopefully, my sharing it here will encourage other people to do it too.

For a year and a half I have been blogging about parenting.  However the continued positive feedback I have received has been evenly split between those that are parents and those that aren't.  From heartfelt emails from teenagers to comments from single ladies in their thirties without children, I have seen that I have touched a much wider audience than I had ever expected to. 

My biggest surprise came last year when my husband called to tell me that a customer called him from out of state and asked if he was related to me.  The customer, of course, had some work related questions but wanted to mention that he and his wife had been thinking about school for their child and was able to find their own way with the help of a couple of things I had written about.  My blog was shared with them by someone in their local homeschool community.  Needless to say, I almost dropped my cell phone!

From that moment on I realized the true impact of anything I wrote about.  I also realized that my inner drive to keep writing was something I needed to honor by continuing to write.  With that said I have to admit I write a lot more than I post.  Most of it ends up sitting in a folder because I am unsure of whether or not it will serve the highest good of my readers.  My usual gauge is to note how I am feeling when I write it.  If it's not something I am nervously excited about then I know that's not my post for the day.  I understand the power of my words and I do not ever want to sway someone to do something that could change their or their child's life forever in any negative way.  Sure there are people out there just looking for any excuse to not take responsibility for themselves but I will not willingly put anything out there knowing that it may be easy fodder for someone like that.

In taking all of this into account I am starting a new writing journey.  I have wanted to write my own story for many years now but couldn't envision how it could help anyone.  About a month ago I had written a new About The Author where I shared a little more about who I am and how I became the parent I am today.  The emails started pouring in.  Little did I realize that my life experiences and what I learned from them were enough.  That is what drives me to continually be a better parent.  And that is what drives me to write.  And so my new journey begins where I take all of it and write about it not only for myself, but all of you who continue to inspire me to keep going.

I love how….

My kids wake up with smiles on their faces every single day.

They give us hugs and say "I love you." whenever they feel like it; even our teenage son!

They get the sleep they need when they feel tired.

They can eat when they need to, and since we offer them a variety of foods, they can choose what their body needs.

They know they have two parents who will do anything for them; although we have never gone out of our way to say that.  It’s something they just know.

They can follow any interest that they want, as far as they want to take it.

They rarely say the phrase “I don’t know.” in response to a question because they know it’s safe to tell us what they are thinking.

They are comfortable knowing that their house is “our” house as a family.

They live free from the fear of punishments but instead have learned that their actions have real impacts on the people around them.

They know kindness because they are constantly surrounded by it.

They know respect because they are treated with respect.

They know appreciation because they have grateful parents.

They have that “light” in their eyes, even when they are being serious.

... These are my most meaningful measures as to how I am doing as a parent.  These things are also my evidence that just because I didn't experience any of these things myself as a child, doesn't mean that our kids have to continue the cycle. 

With Halloween almost here and Thanksgiving right around the corner, I have felt myself shift focus toward the next holiday a lot sooner than usual.  I really want to make Thanksgiving extra special this year.  I had an idea a couple of years ago on just how to do that but I haven't gotten around to it yet.  I think this year is the year!

Several months ago I reconnected with someone from high school.  We had lost touch in college and I had always wondered how she was doing.  Last I had seen her was when my father was battling Leukemia; during the last half of my high school years.  While it was very tough on me, I found that many of my friends didn't know what to say.  In hindsight, I can understand that they just didn't know how to handle it and, frankly, how many teenagers would.  This one friend though, always knew when all I needed was a hug.  After reconnecting with her a few months ago, I was so happy to be able to tell her just how much her friendship had meant to me all those years ago.

After seeing how much she appreciated hearing that, I realized the idea I had a couple of years ago was something I needed to do.  People really need to hear meaningful words of encouragement more often.  They need to know that who they are makes a positive difference in someone's life.

Starting in the next couple of weeks I am going to start writing what I am calling my Thanksgiving Letters.  I am going to sit down and make a list of all of the people that have made a positive impact on my life in some way and take the time to write them a note to tell them that.  I plan on making this a yearly tradition and, hopefully, my sharing it here will encourage other people to do it too.

      I really like writers who write just to write.  Not for an audience.  Not to get blog traffic.  Not to impress others.  They write because they feel something they want to share.  There are a couple of my blogs that I have written that people absolutely loved, evidenced by their personal emails to me, and yet “I” knew that they weren’t written for me.  They were written because I had set a goal for myself to write a blog that day and I didn’t want to publish something people wouldn’t like. 

      Well, I got what I asked for!  While I am appreciative that people liked the blogs, I was kicking myself for publishing them in the first place.  The positive reinforcement for writing something that wasn’t authentically who I was actually irritated me because I knew I was just betraying myself.  I’m not some gushy writer who loves to illustrate using generalizations and symbolism.  While I do like reading other people that enjoy writing like that, I have had a very ‘real’ life and writing about anything not down to earth, tangible and even a little gritty, just isn’t me.  So I decided to take some time off of blogging. 

      Since my last blog a month ago, I decided that a lot of things were getting out of my control and keeping me from being creative.  Not only my blogs, but a lot of other things were influencing me, instead of me influencing them.  I didn’t like the direction my book was taking yet I was convincing myself that I was just being too critical at the time and to just go with something I wasn’t going to be happy with.  A lot of other little things were becoming overcomplicated distractions and I needed time to simplify.  I needed to even simplify things in my house.  I was tired of walking by stuff that made me feel some sort of negative emotion, however small, and it got beyond annoying when those dozen or so things multiplied daily and I could never seem to catch up. 

      So I am back.  I refocused and completely reorganized my book to a vision of something I would actually want to buy instead of the repetitive mess it was.  I still have more brainstorming to do but I am totally happy with the direction now.  I reprioritized my personal life to include a babysitter that my kids love, and that my husband I appreciate as well since we are now able to go out and have adult time for the first time in four years.  There are still a few more things I need to start scheduling time for but I am finally listening to myself and not letting other things or meaningless obligations dictate my life.  I have four kids and a marriage (and my best friend, aka husband) that I am totally dedicated to so if something isn’t a positive influence on my life, it goes!

      Is there something in your life that needs to go too?  Get real!  Join me.