The YouTube Video above is what I promised I'd share the other day!  This is my husband's band's original "Adrenaline Addiction."  The band did all of the recording and mixing as well as the video editing themselves.  The camera operator was the friend of ours (and her 16 year old son) who produced the video I shared in my last post What is Homeschooling? An introduction.

Even though we are all about our family, John, and I place a high priority on setting a good example for the kids.  This is just one way that John shows the kids that if you want to pursue your passion, don't let anything stop you.

Tomorrow.... My post will be about how we spent our day Thursday!

This video was professionally recorded and produced by Keren Green, who, along with her son, recorded all of the video for my husband's music video in the fall... but that will be a fun share for another day!  Enjoy!

I love how….

My kids wake up with smiles on their faces every single day.

They give us hugs and say "I love you." whenever they feel like it; even our teenage son!

They get the sleep they need when they feel tired.

They can eat when they need to, and since we offer them a variety of foods, they can choose what their body needs.

They know they have two parents who will do anything for them; although we have never gone out of our way to say that.  It’s something they just know.

They can follow any interest that they want, as far as they want to take it.

They rarely say the phrase “I don’t know.” in response to a question because they know it’s safe to tell us what they are thinking.

They are comfortable knowing that their house is “our” house as a family.

They live free from the fear of punishments but instead have learned that their actions have real impacts on the people around them.

They know kindness because they are constantly surrounded by it.

They know respect because they are treated with respect.

They know appreciation because they have grateful parents.

They have that “light” in their eyes, even when they are being serious.

... These are my most meaningful measures as to how I am doing as a parent.  These things are also my evidence that just because I didn't experience any of these things myself as a child, doesn't mean that our kids have to continue the cycle. 

We went to see one of the Music as a Weapon shows in Portland, Maine last night and were fortunate enough to go as Guests because of my husband’s tie to the music industry and the people he has had the pleasure of getting to know over the years.  I am just lucky enough to have been able to meet some of these people as well; musicians, engineers, producers, tour managers and other industry folks.  From our time spent hanging out with the guys from Sevendust, the night was such an important reminder to me of how I want to show the kids that the most fulfilling way to live is with passion.

We have met a lot of people from a variety of different bands over the years, and the guys from Sevendust still stand out as being some of the most passionate musicians I’ve been around. Listening to Sevendust’s guitarist John Connolly speak with my husband (who’s also a guitarist) about guitar gear, alternate tunings, and song writing, it was clear how much love he has for what he does each day.   The band’s dedication to what they do also shows through how incredibly appreciative they are of their fans.  It’s one thing to be on stage and say “Thanks for coming!” and another to take a moment to personally thank you for your support, speak with you and give you an autograph or photo op.  These guys treat their fans with the utmost respect only to say how blessed they are to be doing what they love to do.  They give every single performance 110% and last night was a testament to that.   Although they have eight studio albums to their name, they remain true to their music, and that is exactly what their fans love about them.

The night was a reminder that I want my kids to see that the way to live your life is by doing what you love because you enjoy it and not because your only goal is to try to get to a certain destination – particularly fame, money and tons of “friends.”  Most importantly, last night was a reminder to love what you do so much you just have to share it with everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

I want to be very clear to all of you about something.  I am not, or ever intend to be a self proclaimed or "ordained by society" parenting expert.  I am only here to write about my experiences in an effort to share what has worked and hasn’t worked for me.  If you can gain a different perspective or see an idea you’d like to try, then great!  If you completely disagree with anything I say or believe that nothing I share has any benefit to you other than the fact that you know you don’t want to do things the way I have, then that is just as perfect.  Either way I don’t feel like I am wasting my time here.  Everything I share is solely my opinion and my viewpoint and I am not here to seek validation.

So here’s for my opinion part:  I believe parenting is a process, just like any other relationship, but often more complex because we each have a unique perspective regarding who our children are, how they learn, what their personality traits are as well as what their strengths are.  I believe you betray your relationship with your child when you parent in a way that doesn’t feel completely right to you.  I’m not saying that you can’t try different things to see if they work for you but what I am talking about is adopting a parenting “method” that you feel coerced into or uncomfortable with for any reason.

I believe, the most effective and quickest way of disconnecting from your kids can happen through adopting a new parenting style that is not grounded in the relationship you desire to have with your kids just because you read a book or took a seminar.  If it doesn’t feel right to you right now, don’t do it.  Also if you are considering a new parenting style, be sure you have conversations with people who have already tried it.  And I am not talking about those that have very young ones that have been doing it only for a few months.  Talk to as many people as you can to get the full picture from those that have done it for at least a few years.  These are the people that can tell you the pros and cons, what worked and what didn’t – not someone who decided that their way is the right way and who is interested in either self promoting or who wants others to do what they are doing because they need the validation.

Self-proclaimed or society-ordained “gurus” are probably the biggest offenders for undermining your parenting.  They most often give the worst kind of advice because many, at a certain point, start adopting a god-complex and act as if they have all of the answers for you.  Sometimes self-promoters don’t always have the healthiest intentions in doing what they do.  Don’t give your power away to them and let their opinions rule your life or make you feel guilty in any way.  Especially the ones that do go out of their way to make snide or passive aggressive comments about parents “like you” in order to manipulate you to feel like you are the one missing something. While you don’t always have to dismiss them completely don’t let their strict definitions constrict your life.  Take what may help you and ignore the rest.

     I don’t believe in deciding what is right for other parents especially since parenting has a tendency to expose people’s vulnerabilities at times.  When parents feel unsure of themselves and vulnerable (and we all do at one time or another) they are more apt to be taken advantage of by unscrupulous people who need to feel that what they are doing is the right way, so they proselytize and gain followers.  (Isn’t that what cultists do?)  I refuse to do that or endorse anyone else who does.  I parent through being connected to my kids.  If you can find a way to do that through your own unique parenting style, which will most likely be different than mine in more ways than one, then you are on the right track.

     Above all, I believe that you need to find your own style that works for you and your kids.  If you don’t feel right about certain aspects of your relationship with your kids, stop making things more complicated than they need to be by looking elsewhere for answers all the time.  You need to take responsibility.  I know for some parents, it’s more frightening to take responsibility than to run through a list of everything they “tried” and then be able to blame everyone else, or worse, their child, when none of those things worked.

     Our kids are not from a different species than we are.  They are not pets and we don't need to pick up a book to learn more about them.  It is much more simple.  You need to remember what it was like to BE a kid, without projecting your own childhood “stuff” on them, and you need to always be focused on how much you love them.  If you try something and it doesn’t work don’t be bitter and hold onto blame.  You chose to do it and simply ignored your own reservations or didn’t get enough of the full story before you tried it.  Everything will have pros and cons for you and only you can determine what those are not matter how anyone else presents their viewpoint.  You have the power to find what works best for you!

To start out the new year, I thought it might be a great idea to tell you a little more about me and my parenting philosophy as well as put forth a mission statement of what I’d like to accomplish on the blog this year. I have had a recent influx of new subscribers over the past few months and my About Me is nowhere near long enough!  There are most likely several things that you don't know about me that have a major influence over what I'd like to accomplish this year.  Here is what you should know ...

When I began my parenting journey, over 13 years ago, I really felt like I didn’t know very much about being a parent since I had a very dysfunctional upbringing; and that is quite an understatement at that! From the time I was pregnant with our first I was able to see parenting in a very different light than even most of my friends at the time. Even though this could be very isolating at times, I knew I was doing what was right for me and my child. Right off the bat, I was a natural child-birthing, self-weaning, bed-sharing nursing momma... and the only one I knew! It wasn’t until my son was about 3 years old and read one of Dr. Sears’s books that I felt so relieved to discover I wasn’t alone in my choices. I remember actually thinking “Attachment parenting!?! So that’s what it called!” Since then I have had 3 more kids and the last two were born at home with trained midwives.

We also began our homeschool journey along the way and my kids have never been in a traditional school. I have gone through a lot of deschooling of myself over the past decade and have purchased many different curriculums; and many of those were started but never finished. (Thank you eBay for the opportunity to get some of my money back!) Admittedly, as a child I was an overachiever who loved school but I realized that the reasons for that was more about it being a refuge from home and not that I loved the schools themselves; although, I did somehow manage to keep my love of learning but again that was most likely my own form of escape at the time. If I were such a believer in the whole systemic, institutional approach to “learning”, I most likely wouldn’t have been able to see that by the time my first was born was turning 3, the whole thing is simply forced and backwards!

I have become a much more evolved parent than I ever imagined I could be, all the while learning that I do know best even when it was a trial by fire situation that tested my resolve; like when my well-meaning pediatrician tried to convince me that I need to use a crib or when a well-meaning relative felt like I was being abusive in not giving my children acetaminophen for a fever. And at other times when I looked at the entire picture of documented, scientific findings in my decision to not let the dentist put fluoride on the kids’ teeth nor let the doctor shoot the kids up with any more vaccinations.

All along the way I have learned more and more that parenting is not something you do to your kids. Parenting is about your relationship with them. You don’t train them! They are human beings with very individual needs, desires, personalities, and natural talents. I find that using a “method” of parenting on them is kind of funny on one hand, and completely controlling and useless on the other. I have also learned a lot about the extent of punishment I received as a child, aside from the obvious abusiveness that occurred, was also simply manipulative and had absolutely nothing to do with the “crime” so to speak. I have learned to trust natural consequences more, when appropriate of course. I have also chosen to not let some things to be left to natural consequences – like running across a parking lot, tooth brushing, eating healthy, getting the sleep each of them requires and fighting between siblings. Those may seem like common sense but I do not want to let any confusion linger about my style since I do know parents that may choose natural consequences for those things as well. Above all, I have learned that what I have been doing all along is trusting my intuition, even when I didn’t have the proof at the time that I was right, and continually developing it especially when it has come to my kids.

Now there is another part of who I am that I cannot leave out. Even though I had shared this aspect of myself on one of my first blogs, over a year ago, I have still been very guarded and a little unsure of how to proceed. I realize that in order for me to fully help others on their journey it is something I need to find a way to share. From as long as I could remember I have had intuitive, most people call it “psychic”, abilities. They became fine-tuned when I needed to use them as a way to survive a very tough childhood. It wasn’t until I was a parent that I truly realized the extent of my abilities. It was in having my own babies, that couldn’t speak, that I realized that I truly did “know” a lot more than a lot of people did. I believe that anyone can be an intuitive parent if they choose to be and all it takes is practice, focus and dedicated intention. My own intent is to merge my parenting experience and my abilities to help other parents take control of their own families and realize they have the power to have a peaceful, happy and complete home life. That is exactly why I have called this blog The Intuitive Parent.

As for my mission statement for the year, I hope to continually focus helping other parents trust themselves in making the right decisions when it comes to their own children, even when they feel like the world may be against them. I want to help parents find the courage to stand up for themselves in doing what is best for their family, no matter how other people are doing things. Most importantly, I want to make parents realize that how they feel influences their parenting more than they ever imagined, no matter what words come out of their mouth or whatever actions they choose to have.

About a year ago I had this "crazy" idea to write a kid friendly herbal beverage book that would appeal to people that already enjoyed making their own herbal teas as well as those that are more mainstream and completely new to the concept.  It  took me a while to take myself seriously enough to do it, but 9 months ago I finally made the decision to start working on it.  I got my kids involved as taste testers and started doing some research into kid friendly herbs like hibiscus, chamomile, fennel, nettles, etc.  I also wanted to simplify making herbal teas so that people who were new to it wouldn't think things like "I can't do that."  or "Why would I bother."  It's not much more complicated than making lemonade and the recipes are healthy, simple and all of them were approved by the kids.  I knew I was on the right track when my usually super picky, sugar-loving 10 year old asked for a second cup of my Throat Tea for the sore throat he had and I didn't have to add any sweetener to it.

I couldn't be happier that my own project is prompting my kids to start creating!  After seeing the website I put up for the book, my 13 year old has decided to create his own animations to post on his own website.  And after receiving the first self-published copy of the book today, my 10 year old wants to write his own recipe book.  Maybe my next blog post will be an announcement of the works my kids have completed to share with you!

I am taking pre-orders for my book at www.theherbalbeveragebook.com.  (No account will be charged until I ship; which will be in 1 to 2 weeks.)  The book gives you recipes for making your own herbal teas, broths, milks, lemonades, smoothies, cocoas and syrups.  I also gave you a simple guide in the back of the book regarding the traditional uses for each of the herbs.  A few of the recipes included are Chocolate Chai, Ginger Cocoa, Elderberry Syrup and Cough Tea. 

My kids and I have learned a LOT during the past 9 months of writing this & I really hope anyone who orders the book enjoys not only how the recipes taste but also how much symptom relief you can get from them.

      I have really wanted to write about how to overcome the excuses that keep you from living your passion and doing things that you really want to do.  However, I wasn’t about to post a blog about something I haven’t completely finished working on myself.  To me, that would be presumptuous, controlling and hypocritical.  How can I give anyone good guidance on something, even if I know the steps to take, unless I have taken all those steps myself?  Instead of writing about it, I have been focusing on what my own excuses have been for not doing things I know I can do, but just haven’t done.  I realized that the excuses weren’t holding up to my own scrutiny anymore.  I also looked at them through my kids’ eyes and saw that I was setting a bad example!  I can see how my Liberal Arts Living blog seemed to suggest that I already was living without excuses, but I knew that wasn’t completely true…

      A couple of months ago, I started reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron due to a recommendation from Kerri Richardson.  Not only did I notice the recommendation elsewhere, but I was also offered the title for trade at Swap.com.  Once I start to see repeating patterns like that, I have learned that I should pay attention!  I received the book and read a few chapters, hoping it would help me focus more on my writing.  You’ll never guess what happened!  Not only did my “writer” self decide to completely clam up, but it totally took a backseat to the artist that I had hidden away many years ago. 

      You see, a long time ago, I used to dance and sing!  I don’t need to go into the history of why I stopped, I will leave that for the book I am contemplating, but I can say that I was still a child and was in an abusive situation where those passions were purposely squashed.  You know how some kids get really into one thing and they are always doing it?  Not just for a few months but they are into it for years?  Well that was me with dancing and singing.  Sadly, after certain events made me abandon those passions, I never went back.

      Now years later, I am completely supporting my kids in their passions yet somehow feeling like a hypocrite.  It was when I started reading The Artist’s Way that I realized I can’t sit back and tell my kids all the reasons I wasn’t allowed to stay on my path when I was a kid and also give them excuses for why I didn’t ever try to follow my passions once I was calling my own shots in life.  I didn’t want to show them that it’s ok to make excuses not to do something they really have an inner urge to pursue.  After all, I know that most of what you tell your kids will never override how they see you living your own life!

      So here’s how I solved it… I contacted a very, very talented dance instructor I had gone to dance school with years ago to see if she could refer me to a local dance school.  It turns out that she is friends with someone who has a school only 15 minutes from me!  Not only did I sign the kids up, which was my original intention, but I signed up for a Jazz class for myself.

      The next thing I needed to accomplish was much harder for me.  I had become so afraid to sing in front of anyone that I didn’t think I ever would.  I felt pretty ridiculous about it since I am married to a musician!  It took me about a week or two of talking myself into it.  I even mentioned it to a few friends that I knew would be supportive, that way I’d have the push I needed.  I know that if I tell someone I am going to do something, I will never embarrass myself by not doing it.  I only told friends who I felt like I could answer to safely; meaning I knew they would never judge me or discourage me if for some reason I changed my mind.  And you know what, not only did I finally do it, but I did it on a PA system, microphone and all, with full support of my incredible husband.  I have even survived a night or two where I just felt “off”, even saying the words “I suck” with tears in my eyes, and yet shook it off and got back up and did it again a few nights later.

      So how does this all fit into being a more intuitive parent?  Being an intuitive parent is a lot more than knowing your kids well and figuring out how to help your kids navigate through life while living true to who they are.  That’s only half of it!  The other half is being the living example of the type of life you want your kids to have.  I can only keep focused on what that means for my family and hope that what I do not only benefits my own well-being, by each of my kid’s life paths as well.  Above all, I want them to see that there is always a way to do something they want to do.

I used to have a habit of putting my desire to have my children appear to have a full social and academic life before whether or not certain things would actually achieve any positive result.  My oldest had made this habit way too easy for me because he would agree to do everything without really thinking about if he really wanted to do it.  This type of living lead to busyness and looking like we had a full life, but did we really?  Does busyness mean that everyone is happy and experiencing everything they want to experience?  I quickly learned that evidence of my own impatience and any stress from the kids meant that we needed to stop saying yes to everything and really see if everyone really is excited about participating.

I have been able to stop myself every time I felt the urge to sign one of my kids up for a class or field trip and ask them they would enjoy it.  I have also made a point of having less structured time and more “open time” for the kids to pursue what they feel like doing.  Last summer, I heard “I’m bored.” so much more often.  This summer?   Hardly ever!

I was raised much like most of you where the quantifiable results that you can put down on paper meant more than what was actually learned.  This is a very bad habit of thinking to break.  Now I have gotten really good at seeing the worth of time spent doing something, even if it’s just for the enjoyment of it.  If I have no set agenda of what I want to teach the kids about something, they learn so much more and this comes through their own curiosity and my willingness to help them satisfy it.

Yesterday was a perfect example.  I had absolutely no set plans for the day apart from a couple of things on my personal to do list.  One of the boys had mentioned on our walk through the woods a couple of days ago that he wanted to come back with a pickax and get some of the snow quartz jutting out of some boulders we found.  Yesterday afternoon, the five of us set out with a small pickax and a bucket.  We ended up gathering some nice chunks of the quartz and seeing some other types of beautiful minerals in the boulders as well.  This lead to tons of questions the kids wanted answered that we are still working on!  One of the boulders we found has so much perfect snow quartz along the top of it that it lead to one of the kids asking how much we could get if we broke it off in one large chunk.

I know all too well that if I decided to make a parent-lead teaching session out of it, I would have made them wait to get their questions answered because of my own agenda.  Instead of me telling them all that I knew or researched then asking them questions about what I told them, I let THEM ask the questions.  If I don’t know all of the answers, I pull out my iPhone and look it up on the spot. 

Yesterday was a great example of how we live and learn the best!  It was easy, peaceful, unplanned and didn’t feel at all like a struggle.

_    Everything I know today I learned after I graduated from college.  Truly, that is when the real learning began.  When I say “real” learning, I mean all the stuff that has been of interest to me as well as things I may have needed to know for a job.  I have to say that the ONLY thing I have applied from my 20 years of formal schooling, besides reading, writing and math, has been the elective business courses I took in college.  And I mean “elective” as in my own college advisor thought I was crazy taking on serious business courses even though I wanted to take them. 

      My first job had nothing to do with what I went to school for yet I got this decent paying job because I had been playing with computers and computer programming since I was a kid.  I mean, what did I know about retirement planning and database programming?  All I knew how to do regarding finance was balance a checkbook!  I’m pretty certain I was hired not because of what I was or wasn’t trained for but because of my attitude and willingness to learn anything based on the skills I had already (self) acquired.   In fact, I’m willing to bet I was the only applicant to say that I used to write programs on our old Commodore 64 computer at home for fun!   And, yes, within the month, I had learned how to program the database program to spit out usable reports. 

      Since my stint at that job, my husband and I have purchased five houses and sold four of them in three different parts of the country, even in a bad economy.  We have learned how to purchase classic muscle cars at a discount and then completely restore them on our own and on a budget, including the engines.  We learned how to scavenge flea markets and purchase classic video games and auction them via e-lists in the days before eBay even existed.  When my husband had a software idea, I set up a business registration, designed the website and learned how to get top search engine placement in the days before AdSense and the like, all in a matter of a few months.   I also learned how to design and place ads in industry magazines in order to increase our distribution.  These are just a few of the things we have done and none were born of necessity.

      This kind of self learning hasn’t stopped.  I took the same approach with parenting, food, home improvement, and even interpersonal relationships.  I am currently learning about growing our own food responsibly and organically.  I am learning about the amazing healing effects of herbs through trying them out for myself.  And I am even foraying into the world of self publishing through writing a book with a friend.  I also have a mental list of things that I would love to set aside the time to learn about in the future.  If they are still important to me by the time my current projects are done, then I am sure I will give them a try.

      So what is the point of telling you all of this?  The most important lesson I have learned is that if you want to stay happy, vibrant and present in your life never, ever stop learning something new.  You don’t need a fancy liberal arts education to choose liberal arts living.  If you have kids, know how important it is to show that learning never stops by LIVING it.  I am no more “special” than any of you are.  If I can learn how to rebuild a car engine out of curiosity, then so can you!