_ I originally published this a year ago.  I wanted to pull it up and repost it since I have had so many new subscribers since then!  Enjoy!
--------------------------------------------------------
I want to be very clear to all of you about something.  I am not, or ever intend to be a self proclaimed or "ordained by society" parenting expert.  I am only here to write about my experiences in an effort to share what has worked and hasn’t worked for me.  If you can gain a different perspective or see an idea you’d like to try, then great!  If you completely disagree with anything I say or believe that nothing I share has any benefit to you other than the fact that you know you don’t want to do things the way I have, then that is just as perfect.  Either way I don’t feel like I am wasting my time here.  Everything I share is solely my opinion and my viewpoint and I am not here to seek validation.

So here’s for my opinion part:  I believe parenting is a process, just like any other relationship, but often more complex because we each have a unique perspective regarding who our children are, how they learn, what their personality traits are as well as what their strengths are.  I believe you betray your relationship with your child when you parent in a way that doesn’t feel completely right to you.  I’m not saying that you can’t try different things to see if they work for you but what I am talking about is adopting a parenting “method” that you feel coerced into or uncomfortable with for any reason.

I believe the most effective and quickest way of disconnecting from your kids can happen through adopting a new parenting style that is not grounded in the relationship you desire to have with your kids just because you read a book or took a seminar.  If it doesn’t feel right to you right now, don’t do it.  Also if you are considering a new parenting style, be sure you have conversations with people who have already tried it.  And I am not talking about those that have very young ones that have been doing it only for a few months.  Talk to as many people as you can to get the full picture from those that have done it for at least a few years.  These are the people that can tell you the pros and cons, what worked and what didn’t – not someone who decided that their way is the right way and who is interested in either self promoting or who wants others to do what they are doing because they need the validation.

Self-proclaimed or society-ordained “gurus” are probably the biggest offenders for undermining your parenting.  They most often give the worst kind of advice because many, at a certain point, start adopting a god-complex and act as if they have all of the answers for you.  Sometimes self-promoters don’t always have the healthiest intentions in doing what they do.  Don’t give your power away to them and let their opinions rule your life or make you feel guilty in any way.  Especially the ones that do go out of their way to make snide or passive aggressive comments about parents “like you” in order to manipulate you to feel like you are the one missing something. While you don’t always have to dismiss them completely don’t let their strict definitions constrict your life.  Take what may help you and ignore the rest.

I don’t believe in deciding what is right for other parents especially since parenting has a tendency to expose people’s vulnerabilities at times.  When parents feel unsure of themselves and vulnerable (and we all do at one time or another) they are more apt to be taken advantage of by unscrupulous people who need to feel that what they are doing is the right way, so they proselytize and gain followers.  (Isn’t that what cultists do?)  I refuse to do that or endorse anyone else who does.  I parent through being connected to my kids.  If you can find a way to do that through your own unique parenting style, which will most likely be different than mine in more ways than one, then you are on the right track.

Above all, I believe that you need to find your own style that works for you and your kids.  If you don’t feel right about certain aspects of your relationship with your kids, stop making things more complicated than they need to be by looking elsewhere for answers all the time.  You need to take responsibility.  I know for some parents, it’s more frightening to take responsibility than to run through a list of everything they “tried” and then be able to blame everyone else, or worse, their child, when none of those things worked.

Our kids are not from a different species than we are.  They are not pets and we don't need to pick up a book to learn more about them.  It is much more simple.  You need to remember what it was like to BE a kid, without projecting your own childhood “stuff” on them, and you need to always be focused on how much you love them.  If you try something and it doesn’t work don’t be bitter and hold onto blame.  You chose to do it and simply ignored your own reservations or didn’t get enough of the full story before you tried it.  Everything will have pros and cons for you and only you can determine what those are not matter how anyone else presents their viewpoint.  You have the power to find what works best for you!

_I had the feeling a lot of people need to hear this today!

Always know that no matter what life throws at you, people who love you know who you are.  You don't have to revisit the past or prevent something for the future.  Your only job is to not lose yourself.  The rest will work itself out!  Trust yourself to just BE!

Have a wonderful day!

. . . . . . .

_I wanted to continue this discussion regarding doing it all with four children because I had someone post a comment on my Facebook profile that said that you should always put yourself first, BEFORE your kids.  Woah!  Really?  In order to let anyone who saw that know that I disagree with this wholeheartedly, I figured I'd post a blog about it. 

The question was how do I get in "me" time?  How did I write and publish a book that took a lot of learning, research and personal experimentation in a year?  How do I fit in time for my own friends and hobbies?  They all sound like legitimate questions, don't they?  But are they really?

The premise behind questions like these is that having more children automatically means that mom sacrifices her own interests because she no longer has time for them.  Now add homeschooling on top of that and "me time" sounds impossible.  For me, accepting these assumptions became unacceptable.  It took some time and experience to realize that believing that self sacrifice is just how it is would never work for me.  I am not happy expending ALL of my time and energy for others, including my kids, because I realized I was losing "me".  Sound familiar?

Once I changed my perception, the rest started falling into place.  I'm not saying that fitting in things I'd like to do hasn't been a challenge.  But I will say that the times when it feels most challenging is when I put high and unrealistic expectations on myself.  This is easy to do when I know I have the ability accomplish a lot.  I have come to accept that there isn't any hurry! 

First and foremost, personal fulfillment in the form of friends, hobbies, and my entrepreneurial activities are just as much of a priority as my kids' needs and interests.  I realized that I don't ever want to set an example for my kids where I was bored and somehow waiting for that someday to come so I could do what I really wanted.  I also don't want them to think that the opposite is ok either.  I will never put my own interests before my children.  I believe both set a really poor example for them.

Here are some things that have helped me along the way -

There are many hours in the day!  Pay close attention to how you are spending them.  For the things you feel you "have" to do, are you doing them as efficiently as you can?  Is there a lot of wasted time?  Is there a way to be more efficient in the planning of your errands?  For example, could you do errands together with a friend you haven't seen in a while and fit in lunch while you are out?

Are you watching a lot of tv?  Are you getting the same type of satisfaction or entertainment from too many of the same type of show?  Can you let one or two go?  Can you DVR them or watch them for free on the internet at a more convenient time?

Are you spending too much nonwork time at the computer?  Are you finding yourself randomly clicking on things without a true purpose and zoning out on it for longer than you really would want to?

Get excited!!  Make a list of everything you WANT to do!  You may surprised at how many things you will be willing to let go of or do more efficiently if you knew you would then have time for something more fulfilling!  Don't forget the intangible things!  This past year I focused on having more meaningful friendships with people I wasn't afraid to be a little vulnerable with.  (That was huge for me!)  But once I set that intention, and let go of the "how," the people that were not good for my well being exited my life and I had so many more good ones enter.  For the ones that stayed I was able to strengthen my relationships with.

If you want some inspiration, check out my annual blog Liberal Arts Living II.  I already have a list of things that I am working on for my next annual blog and it is so much fun!

_I have been doing some site redesign and recategorization of my blogs to make it easier for you to access some the older ones a little more efficiently.  In the meantime, I wanted to start reposting some of my older blogs that I thought you may enjoy.  This post was one of my first from, March 12, 2010.  I thought would be a great one to share with you today!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever had an ongoing issue with your child that you were having a hard time figuring out?  Have you asked people’s opinions regarding your issue and none of their suggestions feel right?  Have you spent time searching for information through books and other resources for ideas and even tried some of what was suggested and it still didn’t solve your problem?  I have a feeling almost everyone can say yes to at least one of these questions.  Have you considered that the reason you are not getting the answer that works for you is because you are looking for it outside of yourself?

The first thing you need to realize that you already know the answer to any of the challenges you are having with your child.  You are the expert when it comes to your child. You just need to learn to get out of your own way.  We tend to rely on experts with credentials way too much.  While the experts can help you, make you see things from different perspectives and even offer solutions that may work, only you know if any of them is worth giving a try.  Experts should never be overly relied on because you can end up ignoring your own intuition and when you do that, you risk losing your connection with your child.  You let yourself become the parent that others give you the advice to be and not the parent you know your kids already need.  Many of you will say “I don’t know what kind of parent my child needs right now.”  I believe feeling that way only comes from fear.  What you need to do at that point is to reconnect with your own voice and your own inner wisdom.

I found that the best and quickest way to reconnect with your inner wisdom is to take a few moments to write down questions you would ask an “expert” about the issue.  Write your question down as completely as you can, read it to yourself, then think how you would answer the question as if someone else were asking you.  Don’t filter what your response would be out of fear.  Your only filter should be that of love.  If your child is being particularly difficult, which may make this exercise harder for you, try closing your eyes and picturing a memory you have of when your child was very young, where you were having a great time, laughing and having fun.  Then open your eyes and re-read your question.  You may not get the entire solution at one sitting and that’s ok.  You should at least have an idea of what to do just for today.  The answers you give yourself may surprise you.

Being a busy homeschooling mom of four kids, the question I get asked most often is how do I do it all.  Most recently it was my friend Melanie who brought it up at our knitting day.  I realized that when someone asks me that I always tell them the same thing:  "One day at a time!"  That's the simple answer.  The real answer is a little more complicated. 

As I have mentioned before, all of my kids are very, very different.  My fourteen year old has had some strong interests that have been the same for a long time.  He is very social, loves acting, Dungeons and Dragons, video games, anything Anime, including drawing, has an interest in Japanese culture, is learning to play guitar, reads a lot, loves learning about anything to do with history and science (which explains the steampunk fascination sparked by our attendance of Anime Boston this past year) and the list goes on but those have been his main focuses for a while.  He really would love to travel and see some ancient historical sites someday. 

My eleven year old loves seeing how things are made and has had me writing down his invention ideas in a journal.  He is definitely a technology kid and likes coming up with ideas to solve problems.  He is already better at navigating his computer than I am!  He also loves making and altering recipes, has a fascination with geology and nature, loves online gaming with his friends and building with Legos. 

My eight year old has a very vivid imagination.  Just like his brothers, he also loves video games.  His most recent fascination is watching YouTube videos people have made relating to the games he enjoys playing.  He loves it so much that he asked for, and received, his own video camera for Christmas so he can record videos for his own YouTube channel.  He also loves swimming, going to the beach and visiting with his friends.

My five year old has loved horses from the time she started speaking!  She is also loves to dance, sing, paint, can hand sew already and loves being outside.  The most recent things she has discovered is Minecraft and a love for anything zombie related!

These are my short lists of their interests and as you can see there isn't a lot overlap!  Even though their personalities are just as different as their interests, they are very close to each other.

Logistically, as far as seeing that they can pursue their interests, I will admit it isn't always easy.  For example, I can't always just jump in the car and drag all of the kids to go antique store, steampunk supply, treasure hunting with my oldest.  There is a lot of compromise and working things out.  Sometimes that has meant bringing one of the kids to a class somewhere and figuring out a way to entertain the other three while we wait.  Sometimes it means that my husband and I need to split our efforts between the two of us.  One of us goes one way on a Saturday with a kid or two and one of us goes the other.  While most of our vacations have been taken together as a family, we have also planned trips where my husband took two of the kids to LegoLand in California or to New York City so they can get the most out of it.  While we take it one day at a time, it takes some foresight and planning.  We figure out what is best for us as a family as well as what best individually as we go along.

As you can see it's not an easy answer to a simple question!  If you would like me to elaborate more about anything above, don't hesitate to ask.  I have decided to make my next several blogs related to this topic.  The other questions I have received have been about handling personality differences and how my husband and I manage to pursue our own interests as well.  If there are any other questions, be sure to submit them!

I am grateful to have the freedom to homeschool our children and help them learn different things on an ongoing basis.  Our most recent experience with this has been in the area of music.  As my longtime readers know, we are a pretty musical family.  (If you are a new subscriber, here are a couple of my husband's band's music videos that I have shared before -  Adrenaline Addiction

Under Pressure - Cover

Each of our kids have had varying degrees of musical interest.   They have the opportunity to play with various instruments we have around the house – a piano, my old flute, smaller sized electric and acoustic guitars and a full size drum kit.  Our youngest likes to sing and needs her own microphone if she’s hanging with us when we practice.  Our oldest had expressed interest in taking piano lessons when he was about seven.  He has also performed on stage in musical productions.  Recently, he has been expressing interest in learning how to play the guitar.

Now you would think this would be a no-brainer.  We bought him his own electric guitar and mounted a hangar for it on the wall in his room.  We set him up with some video lessons and a couple of basic books to refer to.  On top of that we figured since my husband has been playing guitar for so long and I have some classical guitar lessons behind me, we’d have it covered.  That all makes sense, right?  We were so wrong!

We were assuming he’d just jump right in, be motivated to do it and ask us for help if he needed it.  Weeks went by and the guitar hadn’t been touched more than a few times.  When I asked him if he liked the video lessons he said he did but I still didn’t see right away why he just wasn’t running with it if he really wanted to play. 

After some consideration, I realized we apparently forgot that with some things he really enjoys learning through direct interaction.  It turns out that this would be one of those things!  The videos just weren’t interactive enough and couldn’t replace an in-person human teacher for him.  I also realized that just because we are musicians doesn’t automatically mean we know how to break it down simply enough for a beginner to learn without getting frustrated; not to say we didn’t try!  We had a bit of our own egos to swallow to admit this but once we did, it was easy to figure out the next step. 

My husband and I enjoy going out to see live bands and have started to get to know who’s who locally.  We discovered that one of the guitarists we have seen live that we liked just happened to also offer lessons.  We signed him up and he is doing really well.  While we understood that it is most important that the teacher not only enjoys playing the type of music he wants to play and can play it well, it is just important that he must be someone that our son enjoys learning from.   Thankfully we chose right!

People love plans, formulas, labels and superficial studies.  We love the pretty little packages we can buy and don't have to analyze because they are convenient.  It's something we can buy and consume.  If it doesn't work out we can blame who sold it to us.  We don't have to take responsibility for not doing our due diligence if we don't want to.  This is no different when it comes to education.  We love to believe what we are told about what works and what doesn't.  Have you stopped to notice that the favorable "evidence" in support of the status quo only points to economics and never includes any point of reference to feelings of long term personal fulfillment or happiness? 

I have been trying to keep all of this in mind lately especially during my recent temporary moments of panic.  My oldest homeschooling child is now fourteen!  This declaration is something I am not taking lightly.  It's hitting me in the same way I think it hits a lot of other homeschoolers.  My son is officially a highschooler!!!  I am starting to understand why some homeschoolers get scared and send their kids to high school.  

I have had my days of panic and uncertainty before.  Are the kids learning enough?  Am I doing everything I can to help them reach their full potential?  It's certainly harder to face these questions when all of the responsibility is on me.  I can't point fingers at a school system or certain teachers.  How many are brave enough to really, honestly take that responsibility whether their kids are in a school system or not?

My only educational point of reference is my own.  I attended a private high school and had more intense classes with double the homework than I had in college.  I also had to work part time; mostly for free in order to compensate for my high school tuition.  I also look at the family histories that my husband and I have.  Both sides are full of professional artists, engineers, entrepreneurs, lawyers and white-collar employees.  How do I go from that history to this moment of uncharted territory for us?  The beliefs that were instilled in me tell me that if the kids aren't well "trained" they will struggle and become victims of the system.  It's hard to deprogram these messages when you are still surrounded by them.

I have heard very mixed results from those that have homeschooled through high school.  The funny thing is I have heard just as mixed, if not worse, results from kids that went through the traditional route too.  No matter which path you want to go, neither is a formula for guaranteed success.

I have written about this before in “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  High school kids graduating with honors, speaking three languages and having full resumes of achievements are a dime a dozen.  What aren’t very common are young adults who stand out because they have something that drives them and lights their direction.  This is when I look at how many in our families haven’t felt fulfilled no matter what their paychecks were like.

One of the advantages of having a decent amount of adult life behind me is that I can also look at the life experiences of my friends and colleagues.  I have over twenty years of real life examples right in front of me.  Having the maturity to see the big picture of these people’s lives is a great advantage!  Who is truly happy, who isn’t and most importantly why?  Which ones had a mid-life crisis?  How many of these people are still trying to “find” themselves?  What can I do differently with my kids so they are set up for success and happiness in life? 

What I do know is that I want my kids to be independent, fulfilled and always confident that they can take care of themselves no matter what twists and turns life has in store for them.  I don’t want them living their life according to someone else’s formula, agenda, dogma or society’s expectations of them.  What I want most for them is to keep in touch with who they are and what makes them happy.

So with renewed confidence I am approaching our new high school homeschooling journey.  My son will be able to continue to follow the interests he is most passionate about, continue to build the strong friendships he has and always know that no matter what he chooses as his path in life, it is HIS path.  Hopefully, with a continued awareness of motivations behind his academic and life decisions, I can continue to guide him to live a productive, creative, fun and satisfying life.

Photo credit - Dean Terry

I have been struggling a bit with what kind of journey I want to take you all on with my blog.  After speaking with my husband last night I realized I am trying too hard.  What can I say?  Old habits die hard!  In my efforts to give you all some practical and thought provoking blogs, I have been straying a bit from who I am and my purpose.  I also realize it is because of my own fears.

I'm a homeschooling mom who prefers close relationships with my kids as opposed to detached ones.  But most importantly, I am psychic.  I blogged about this before in The Psychic Housewife - Yep, that's what she called me!  It has been so interwoven into my life that it is hard for me to remember that not everyone knows how to tune into their intuition, especially when it comes to parenting.  My abilities help me choose close friends that support me; when I really choose to listen to it!!  They help me figure out exactly how to integrate something I would like the kids to learn about into our lives in fun ways.  They help me figure out what is going on with my kids on a daily basis. 

I know there are skeptics out there, even among my current friends reading this.  All I have to say is start reading about the lives of the most successful people on the planet.  One of the things all of them talk about is using your intuition.  I believe that in order to be a successful parent you must learn to tune into your intuition in your home life as well.

Just as any skill is easier for some people than others, it doesn't mean that it can't be learned if someone really wants to.  The same thing applies to fine tuning your intuition.  What really challenges most parents, and I have been one of them, is being able to distinguish between pre-programmed reactions from your own past and the current situation with your kids.  It is only through constant practice and awareness that you can learn to start separating the two.  When you do, you can begin to not only become a better parent but can also start to heal negative influences from your own past and current situations.  What more could a parent ask for?!? 

How do you start the process?  It's pretty simple and requires absolutely no money out of pocket.  Get rid of all of your parenting books and magazines and be present with your kids.  Really get to know them!  Once you can do this you will start to pay more attention to how you are feeling and most importantly why.  Are your feelings based on fear that stems from external influences, past or present?  Or are they authentically in the present moment closely connected to who your child is?  If you can start making a constant habit of paying attention to that one question, you are well on your way to being the parent your child needs.

On the morning of September 11, 2001, I was half asleep, nursing our one year old when the phone rang.  It was my mother in law calling us in Nashville to see if my husband was on a plane in the Northeast.  Since this was such a confusing question it took a minute to get past how frantic she was to find out why she was calling in such a state.  She had seen the news about the plane hitting the first tower.

After assuring her that there was no reason that my husband would have been on one of those flights and that he was home and totally fine, we turned on the news just in time to see the second plane hit the tower.  Little did we know that someone from the company my husband works for was on one of those planes.  Our first born, who was four at the time, must have heard our reactions because he came running into the room asking what was wrong. 

For a split second I was overcome with the urge to tell him what we just witnessed but I stopped myself.  I also realized that in that moment there must have been many other parents who felt that same urge, and without thinking, blurted out what they just saw.  Thankfully my husband and I were on the same page and we told him that there was something bad that we just saw on the news and that it would be ok.  It was just very sad.  There is nothing like the innocence of a child to remind you to be responsible.

In the years since then, we have only taught our kids about current events as long as they were pertinent to their lives.  Our oldest does know what happened on 911 but I waited to tell him until he had the emotional maturity to understand it.  I never wanted him or his siblings to live in fear due to what happened.

When I was in junior high, I remember a rash of kids in high school becoming depressed and feeling hopeless because they were shown The Day After, a movie about a small Kansas town after a nuclear holocaust.  This was a fictional movie created as a result of the tension that the Cold War had created and the emotional toll it took on these kids was one that no one would soon forget.  Clearly remembering how that affected so many teenagers has always dictated how we have relayed certain events to our kids. 

To this day, I fail to understand why there is a push for kids as young as kindergarten to learn about slavery never mind 9/11.  They don't have the emotional maturity to understand any of it.  Most adults don't even fully understand.  In fact, I wouldn't doubt that learning about violence in the adult world, now or in the past, affects some of children's attitudes and emotional development as they get older.  Although I don't watch the news anymore, I still continue to filter the things I do learn about to our children.  I am grateful that what they do learn about and how they learn it is totally in my control.

Photo credit - Sister72

Since it's the time of year where we are putting the final touches on our planning for the fall, I wanted to repost this from June.  It is just as important for you to schedule what you'd like to do for yourself.  This is just a reminder...

** If you'd like to see the original post and comments as well as the slideshow, please visit http://www.theintuitiveparent.com/1/post/2011/06/liberal-arts-living-ii.html.


June 24, 2011

This is my 2nd annual Liberal Arts Living blog.  I hadn’t planned on this being an annual thing but I decided that since I have done a whole lot more living since my blog a year ago, I wanted to share with all of you.  My only hope is that it will inspire you to get up and do something new.

Over the past year:

•  I decided to publish a book; which most of you know already.
•  I learned how to knit.
•  I learned how to sew wool felt playthings for my kids.
•  I learned how to get over my fear of singing in front of everyone.
•  I have learned about adding more raw food recipes to our family food choices.
•  I learned how to grow my own organic garden.
•  I am learning how to play the bass; something I have said I wanted to do since high school.
•  I made my first herbal tinctures.
•  And most recently, my husband, 14 year old son and I decided to participate in the NH 48 Hour Film Project.  We had to write, shoot, edit and complete a 5 to 7 minute mini-move with all work being done in the 48 hour period.

There are a lot of new things that are in the works for the next year but I will keep those under wraps until I actually do them.  A lot of them are new for me.  The ones I am most excited, as well as nervous, about are the ones where I will be out there helping other parents.

How does all of this fit into my parenting?  I am living the kind of life I want my kids to live.  A life not filled with “I always wanted to”s and “someday”s and certainly NOT “when the kids move out”s.  What kind of example would that be for them?  If I haven’t been always learning something new and actively pursuing my interests, I do fear what kind of message that would give my kids.
Would it tell my daughter that to be a stay at home mom is to be boring, or bored?  Would it tell my sons that their future wives couldn’t pursue what their interests were unless it were making an income?  Would it tell the kids that mom can’t start living her own life until they are out of the house?

Instead I am showing them that you can be an involved, loving parent with close relationships with your kids without smothering them or living your life vicariously through them.  I am showing them that parents need to feel fulfilled and it makes them better parents.  I am showing them, and go look this one up for yourselves, that the key to staying younger is to always learn something new.  I could sit here and just “tell” them about all of this, but actually doing it shows them that I would know what I was talking about if I did talk to them about it.

I hope I have inspired you to get up and just go do one new thing.  I don’t care what it is or how crazy it sounds!  There is no excuse good enough not to.  Would you do it if I told you your kid's future happiness depends on it?