At a time when people seem to be obsessed with experts, how do you become your own?  It takes time and focus but it can be done.  Depending on how much effort you put into it, it can even be life changing.

First, you need to know yourself and be honest with yourself.  Have you ever followed someone else’s advice that didn’t feel right but you pushed through it anyway?  You need to really FEEL your truth not just talk yourself into someone else’s.  That is one of the most common ways that I have seen people do something that they really knew wasn’t best for them.  They ignored their inner truth and thought that having a positive outlook would make everything all better.  Don’t fake it!  If you have ideals and goals that are important to you, don’t let anyone talk you out of them.

You need to be patient with yourself and check in with yourself often.  If you can be in the habit of constantly checking in with yourself you can make course corrections as you go along.  Have you ever had an experience where you realized you made a big mistake, corrected it and then realized that you had little signs along the way but you ignored them?  Correcting the little mistakes along the way is a lot easier than trying to fix a big one at a much later time.  Unfortunately, a big fix often results in people making that big mistake all over again because they don’t go back and do the work on themselves regarding the whys and hows of the little things they kept ignoring.

You need to take responsibility for yourself and not do only what feels good to you in the moment.  For some, doing what feels good in the moment means ignoring or running away from the problem.  People turn to un-parenting, divorce, quitting their job, keeping unsupportive friends, etc. often when what they really need to do is find a way to work on what got them there in the first place.  The urge to fix something is only too easy to satisfy.  You have heard “Wherever you go, there you are.”  Running away or pretending it doesn’t exist by shutting down is not going to fix anything.

You need to be open to being wrong.  Now this doesn’t mean you need to be self-deprecating by sharing every mistake you make with the world.  It just means allowing yourself to be imperfect.  You are allowed to change your mind!  Sometimes you can’t see the big picture yet.  When you start seeing where things are going you can make adjustments along the way.  Sometimes you need to feel your way into a new point of view.  Don’t pressure yourself into finding the perfect solution now.  It will most likely evolve.

The one thing I ALWAYS go back to when I talk to anyone about this topic, is to keep focusing, and refocusing, on what you want.  Sometimes that’s a moving target.  You may realize that what you thought you wanted isn’t really what you truly want on the way there.  It’s ok to change your mind and retune it.  Don’t force yourself to get there but do at least one thing every day that will help you keep you moving in that direction.

Becoming your own expert doesn’t happen overnight.  You can’t take a course and become certified.  You have to make the commitment to yourself to do it.  You need to become extremely self-aware.  I also want you to understand that in the process you will be slowly redefining your relationships, but if done authentically and patiently there is no reason that the shifts that take place can’t be positive ones.

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I understand how there is a belief in the unschooling community that kids should be allowed to eat whatever they want and whenever they want.  While I really like all of the other aspects of unschooling I just can’t get myself to the point of not controlling the food my kids eat.  I know that a part of it is because I have a weight problem and I just don’t want my kids to follow in my footsteps.  What is your opinion on this?  (Question submitted via email)
 

 
I have been asked to do a kids and food blog many times.  I have been a little resistant to do so because food tends to be a very emotional issue with people.  Some of those issues go back to how food was a part of family life growing up and for others there are health related concerns.  The only way I can answer this question is to tell you a little about my own relationship with food and how I apply that to raising my kids.

I have to start by saying that I LOVE food!  If I had the time to spend all afternoon cooking every day I would.  It is because of my love for food that I am not a big fan of processed and chemically laden food.  I don’t think it tastes good and most often I don’t feel very good after I eat it.  Being in tune with how my body feels when I eat has always been my norm.

As far as my own history goes, a large variety of food was not an everyday part of life growing up.  In fact I would get in huge trouble if the fresh fruit or veggies that were brought into the house were eaten too quickly.  I do have to say that even though I experienced a lack of food choices, I don’t overindulge as a result of it.  I understand that I could have gone down that particular path as a way of emotionally processing that feeling of lack but this has not been my personal reality.  I have never had an issue with my weight nor do I believe in dieting.

I believe that everyone’s bodies need different nutrients at different times.  I also believe that food cravings are directly linked to that in some way.  My kids do eat what they want and when they want.  I try to have as much variety available to them as I can.  They have a good understanding of what foods have lots of nutrients and which don’t.  I encourage them to give their bodies what they need but as a rule I do not control what they eat and when they eat.  They have had cookies for breakfast before but I will tell you that it’s a rarity.  That just isn’t a regular choice of theirs.  I also NEVER, EVER force them to eat food they don't like.  I feel that this is abusive.  The "One more bite." method that is forced on a lot of kids teaches them to ignore the fact that their body is telling them to stop eating.  If they don't want a food in a particular moment then they don't need it.

I also do take into account how my kids feel when they eat and help them tune into that.  My youngest has a food coloring sensitivity.  I had the opportunity to see this in action once again yesterday.  She had some candy at a friend’s birthday party and didn’t feel good for a while after she ate it.  I try to restrict that chemical in our food knowing that it doesn’t make her feel good.  I also am aware that she may outgrow this sensitivity so that is why I let her have the candy yesterday.  I wasn’t automatically expecting a reaction but saw that she obviously still has it.

As far as what works for you and your family, I feel that you have to find your own balance.  If you realize that you don’t have a healthy attitude towards food yourself, work on that first.  As you know, I am a big believer in setting the example that we want our kids to follow.  Some people really dupe themselves into thinking that the “do as I say, not as I do” example works.  All that creates is an attitude where your child is waiting to grow up to get ”their turn” in following in your footsteps.