There are some blogs that I really take my time working out in my head before I even attempt writing them down.  I know having an audience of parents is sometimes a touchy thing but thankfully I seem to have done a good job at it since I haven’t received even one piece of hate mail.  I hope I can convey my thoughts so that no one gets defensive on this one either.  I want to talk about manners! 

For me the topic of manners encompasses so much.  In fact, I think it’ll cover a few topics that you all have requested I write about.  Manners are how we relate to one another.  They are expected, and sometimes unexpected, social graces that help us interact with others without being offensive. Sometimes they are just followed because they are social etiquette or local customs.  Other times we go over the top with our etiquette because we either want to impress someone or we really want to let someone know how much we truly appreciate them.

There was a blog that circulated a few months ago where the title was about not making their kids say please and thank you.  Admittedly I never read it nor do I remember the correct title but it definitely made me think how I wanted approach the topic since I had been asked to do so.

Not too long ago, I had a family over for a holiday dinner.  I spent a considerable amount of time, effort and more money than I should have preparing the meal for the day.  It was originally planned that we would cook together.  Instead I was given very short notice that they would show up way too late to help with anything.  Some of what I made wasn’t even touched.  The husband was sitting on the couch most of the visit, yawning and avoiding conversation, clearly looking like he would rather have been home.  While it was great to have the company, I would have wished that they had the manners to have cancelled on us if they weren’t feeling up to coming.  I have friends that would have LOVED to have been here in their place.  I felt no gratitude coming from them for all the work I had done to make the day special.  Admittedly, I didn’t notice it the day of but it kind of sank in the next day when I felt more depleted than I should have because the exchange of energy wasn’t even.

So what did this teach their kids?  This goes way beyond saying please and thank you, doesn’t it?  It demonstrated to them that if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to appreciate what someone else does for you.  It demonstrates self-absorption.  Don’t get me wrong though.  I am really glad I gave my all to the day.  I truly believe no act of kindness is wasted even when it’s not noticed or appreciated.  My own family appreciated it so that was good enough for me.

To give you another example, it recently came to my attention that one of the friends that had recently gone down a path that was not healthy for me to follow them on was complaining that I wasn’t supporting them anymore.  While it was kind of nice that they did notice how much support I did have for them, and still do actually even if it’s from a healthier distance, it made me realize that I never had one bit of support for anything I did come from them.

Both of these examples demonstrate how manners come from gratitude.  If you live in gratitude for others around you, you make the effort to let them know.  You don’t do it for show in front of others but more meaningfully.  You support people you care about.  You don’t just take what others have to give without wanting to do so back.  Sometimes people just aren’t yet capable of thinking of others without getting some sort of direct benefit from it; even if it’s only to get approval.  They haven’t learned the gift of gratitude.  It’s not only a gift to others but it is a gift to yourself as well.

As for setting the right example of gratitude for my kids, I encourage my kids to say "Please" and "Thank You" because it makes them stop and appreciate the other person.  It’s not so much as a puppetry as it is a habit I want them to get into.  I want them to be in the habit of stopping… and noticing!  I believe it helps them redirect their energy to the other person and not in the receiving for their own benefit.  It helps them be in the habit of not being self absorbed all the time.  I really believe this simple act can be a seed to discipline.  Aren’t many issues with discipline really because your child doesn’t understand the full picture of what’s going on including the needs and desires of the people around them?  Beyond "Please" and "Thank You", I am in the habit of pointing out to my kids whenever someone does something sincerely thoughtful.  They also see me practice gratitude when I let someone know how much I appreciate them.

Recently I learned that practicing gratitude rewires neural pathways that lead to more happiness.  I have seen this happen myself.  When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I had just gone through personal hell.  Both of my parents had died, the rest of my family was squabbling over money, I finally understood how much abuse I had just endured and realized I was worthy of love that I never received… it was a lot to take.  It was really difficult to process it and have very much gratitude at the time. 

When things started going well for me in the midst of all of this, I failed to recognize it right away.  My first job out of college got me a much higher salary than was average at the time.  I received a glowing two-page recommendation from my boss when we needed to relocate due to my husband’s job and I had only been working there for six months.  We were relocating to Florida – a New Englander’s dream!  I didn’t have the ability at the time to appreciate any of it very much.  It has taken me a while of trial and error to find the truth about gratitude and happiness all on my own.  Now I swear I come across as either stupid or Pollyanna because of my gratitude and optimism!  It doesn’t matter to me though because I AM happy.

The point of all of this is to maybe rethink how manners are more than just saying words for your kids.  By living in gratitude as well as giving them tools to get them on that path, your kids have more of a direct link to being happy than you probably ever imagined.

I realize that when you read the title above, you were thinking about words like "obedience" or children being well-mannered in saying things such as "please" and "thank you".  In this case, when I speak of respectful and well-behaved I am talking about children who don't feel like they are in constant competition for attention or things.  I am also talking about children that do not parrot superficial words of appreciation or apology.  Children that are respectful and well-behaved, in my opinion, are those that genuinely care about the people around them and who are content most of the time.  Now that you understand what I am referring to as far as definitions go, here is what I have learned from my own children.

First of all, kids learn respect for other human beings first and foremost through how they are treated by the adults in their life.  How you relate to your children and treat them is the first influence they have.  Do you feel like you treat your kids respectfully?  Do you really listen to what they think and how they feel without judging them?  Or do you constantly try to control how they feel?  Do you put your own feelings first?  Do you make them feel like their feelings don't matter by having a "well, that's too bad" attitude?  Do you shame them by telling them they are wrong or immature?  If you can honestly say that at least most of the time you listen to your children and show them that you value how they feel, then you are on the right track.  You have shown them that their emotional needs are just as important as yours.

But wait.... If you stop here, you are only teaching your children half of what they need to know!!  You have definitely shown your children that they deserve respect.  You have also shown them how to give it within the confines of your family dynamic.  You will sabotage all of your efforts if you don't apply the same modeling behavior to all parts of your life.

The second area of your life I'd like you to look at is how you respect or disrespect yourself.  How do you talk about yourself?  Do you pick yourself apart?  Do you have a hard time accepting compliments?  Do your relationships include respecting yourself enough to be able to receive as much as you give?  Do you give to others to the point where you aren't taking care of yourself?  On the other side of the coin, are you so focused on yourself that you don't pay any attention to having healthy friendships?  Do you have only friends that are your followers who are always giving to you in order to get your attention?  Do you always make everything about yourself when it comes to other people?  How you behave in all of these areas is how your kids are going to be conditioned to behave as well.

The last area, which is just as important as the others, is how you talk about and treat other people, especially those you may not agree with.  Watch your language carefully and really listen to how you talk about other people.  Do you cheer on other people's nastiness when you agree with their point of view?  Are you in the habit of talking about others from a place of jealousy, judgment or downright hatred?  Do you gossip about others just for the sake of gossiping and picking them apart?  Do you know when to walk away gracefully from someone who may not treat you well or do you put your ego first and argue because being right is more important to you than being kind?  I have noticed that the more grace and understanding I show to others, the more grace and understanding my kids have as well. 

Your kids will learn from you in ALL of these areas whether you want them to or not.  Are you behaving in a way that you would want your kids to behave?