Since my No Guru Zone has been so popular I wanted to take it a step further and go a little deeper into the whole “expert” idea.  I find that experts tend to fall into three categories:  the self-proclaimed experts, the theoretical experts and the living experts.  And sometimes those categories do overlap and people will be a combination of them.

The self-proclaimed experts are the ones who design their own marketing plan by going as far as describing themselves as expert, pioneer, trailblazer, etc.  In reality, they have no expertise except about selling you something and they tend to be really good at it!  They may be selling goods, services, or selling how worthy they are of attention.  These are the ones that sell you a myth and can even go as far as lying.  They also can take other people’s works, repackage them and present the illusion that it’s as a new idea of their own without ever putting it into practice; although they claim they do.  The lie quickly becomes obvious because they can only offer you generalities and have no substance.  They sell you the dreams of ideals that are supposed to set you free.  The problem is, they are found out as soon as someone tries to follow their advice and it backfires leaving them worse off than they were to begin with.  The “experts” in this category pretend to live what they sell but the reality is that they don’t.  Their ultimate goal is not to help anyone but themselves.  If they do help someone, it's because the listener was aware enough to make interpretations they needed for themselves that helped them make a different decision than they normally would.

The second category, theoretical experts, usually have a much more pure agenda.  They are the ones who spend a great deal of time studying a subject so they can turn around and tell you all about their acquired knowledge.  These are the academics and academic minded-people that do a great job repackaging information they have gathered and who try to be careful about their sources.  They are able to take all of the knowledge they have researched and present it to you in understandable form.  The problem here is that they can’t tell you how to apply it in any real world way because they haven’t lived it themselves.  They can only tell you about about how others have done it.

The third category is the “living experts”.  They are the ones who have lived what they talk about.  They have “been there, done that” and are usually pretty open about the mistakes they have made and lessons they have learned.  They can give you the how and the why about whether or not certain things have worked for them based on their own experiences.  The best of this category can do this without any attachment to, or judgment of, what you do with that information.  Because of their real experiences, they tend to not see themselves as “experts”.

I could probably overthink all of this and get into the minutia of breaking them down into subcategories, but for simplicity’s sake, I like my three.  That said, I believe you can learn something from all of them.  The best advice I have ever heard, and often repeat, is to take what resonates with you and throw out the rest.  With all of this in mind, I try pretty hard to live up to the ideals of the third. 

What’s most important to remember though is that in order to empower yourself, you need to become your own expert.  No one knows you or, in the case of parenting, your kids, better than you!  My next blog will cover first steps of coming into your own power!

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I’m not a classical homeschooler because…

I have tried math curriculums that were continuous repetition, year after year, of the same sort of material in the most removed from life way possible.

I tried a phonics & reading homeschool co-op with my 2nd born, and it was no different than school where he didn’t get much individualized attention, even though there were only a handful of kids, so I pulled him from it even though I had already paid.

I purchased a science curriculum and saw how disjointed it was in teaching units as if “science” disciplines were all separate, so I returned it.

I purchased a history curriculum and had to filter out propaganda and fill in missing details which meant I had to redo the lessons the night before I started.

I wanted to have time to teach them basic life skills that all of the above would have prevented me from doing if I strictly followed the classical approach.

I wanted to be able to allow them as much time as they need to pursue their own interests and develop their own strengths and no curriculum is the perfect fit for that.

I could go on with how I discovered this wasn't a good fit for us but I completely support you if that is what you feel is best for your family.

I’m not an un-parenting unschooler because…

I don’t think it’s up to them if they brush their teeth or not.

I learned as much as I can about food and health that I don’t think it’s ok for them to eat as much junk as they want.  I teach them about what’s in their food and where it comes from, purchase only the best and say “No” at the checkout when they ask for candy… usually.

I know how much sleep each of them requires to feel good and be healthy.   I know which ones won’t sleep in to compensate no matter how late they go to bed.  I know that my oldest takes after my husband and I and can easily stay up all night, losing track of time, and will miss on out the things he wants to do.  I refuse to set him up for the harsh, “tough love” life lesson of letting him miss out. 

I choose to teach each of them about things like history, religions of the world, science, literature, how to manage money, and much, much more using whatever sources I need, in a way that each of them can get excited about and in a way that each of them can understand at each of their own development levels and learning styles.

I choose to expose them to things that they may not necessarily choose for themselves because they are too young to know anything about it and most often they really enjoy the new experiences or learning that resulted.

These are at least some of my reasons why un-parenting unschooling doesn’t work for us, but I completely support you if that is what you feel is best for your family.  I believe following what's best for you is part of your own unique process.

So what am I?  I am a mom that chose to give our kids the kind of life and the kind of learning opportunities I feel they deserve; all of which fits their personalities, development levels and learning styles.  No one loves them or wants the best for them more than my husband and I do.  I choose to not follow anyone’s prepackaged plan for raising our children.  One size will never fit all and I am grateful to live in a country where that is possible.

I want to be very clear to all of you about something.  I am not, or ever intend to be a self proclaimed or "ordained by society" parenting expert.  I am only here to write about my experiences in an effort to share what has worked and hasn’t worked for me.  If you can gain a different perspective or see an idea you’d like to try, then great!  If you completely disagree with anything I say or believe that nothing I share has any benefit to you other than the fact that you know you don’t want to do things the way I have, then that is just as perfect.  Either way I don’t feel like I am wasting my time here.  Everything I share is solely my opinion and my viewpoint and I am not here to seek validation.

So here’s for my opinion part:  I believe parenting is a process, just like any other relationship, but often more complex because we each have a unique perspective regarding who our children are, how they learn, what their personality traits are as well as what their strengths are.  I believe you betray your relationship with your child when you parent in a way that doesn’t feel completely right to you.  I’m not saying that you can’t try different things to see if they work for you but what I am talking about is adopting a parenting “method” that you feel coerced into or uncomfortable with for any reason.

I believe, the most effective and quickest way of disconnecting from your kids can happen through adopting a new parenting style that is not grounded in the relationship you desire to have with your kids just because you read a book or took a seminar.  If it doesn’t feel right to you right now, don’t do it.  Also if you are considering a new parenting style, be sure you have conversations with people who have already tried it.  And I am not talking about those that have very young ones that have been doing it only for a few months.  Talk to as many people as you can to get the full picture from those that have done it for at least a few years.  These are the people that can tell you the pros and cons, what worked and what didn’t – not someone who decided that their way is the right way and who is interested in either self promoting or who wants others to do what they are doing because they need the validation.

Self-proclaimed or society-ordained “gurus” are probably the biggest offenders for undermining your parenting.  They most often give the worst kind of advice because many, at a certain point, start adopting a god-complex and act as if they have all of the answers for you.  Sometimes self-promoters don’t always have the healthiest intentions in doing what they do.  Don’t give your power away to them and let their opinions rule your life or make you feel guilty in any way.  Especially the ones that do go out of their way to make snide or passive aggressive comments about parents “like you” in order to manipulate you to feel like you are the one missing something. While you don’t always have to dismiss them completely don’t let their strict definitions constrict your life.  Take what may help you and ignore the rest.

     I don’t believe in deciding what is right for other parents especially since parenting has a tendency to expose people’s vulnerabilities at times.  When parents feel unsure of themselves and vulnerable (and we all do at one time or another) they are more apt to be taken advantage of by unscrupulous people who need to feel that what they are doing is the right way, so they proselytize and gain followers.  (Isn’t that what cultists do?)  I refuse to do that or endorse anyone else who does.  I parent through being connected to my kids.  If you can find a way to do that through your own unique parenting style, which will most likely be different than mine in more ways than one, then you are on the right track.

     Above all, I believe that you need to find your own style that works for you and your kids.  If you don’t feel right about certain aspects of your relationship with your kids, stop making things more complicated than they need to be by looking elsewhere for answers all the time.  You need to take responsibility.  I know for some parents, it’s more frightening to take responsibility than to run through a list of everything they “tried” and then be able to blame everyone else, or worse, their child, when none of those things worked.

     Our kids are not from a different species than we are.  They are not pets and we don't need to pick up a book to learn more about them.  It is much more simple.  You need to remember what it was like to BE a kid, without projecting your own childhood “stuff” on them, and you need to always be focused on how much you love them.  If you try something and it doesn’t work don’t be bitter and hold onto blame.  You chose to do it and simply ignored your own reservations or didn’t get enough of the full story before you tried it.  Everything will have pros and cons for you and only you can determine what those are not matter how anyone else presents their viewpoint.  You have the power to find what works best for you!